I haven’t taken a lot of time for updates lately for a number of reasons, but primarily because I have been overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of a busy lifestyle. SO much has happened since I last time I made an entry so let me start by filling in some of the blanks. With my last post we were in the process of getting our foster license so we could adopt a little boy. We are licensed now. However, the little boy that we had dreams of adopting… is no longer an option. I spent 3-5 days a week playing the mother role for a child who I loved and cared deeply for, only to have him ripped out of my life the night before he was supposed to move in with us. The most hurtful part about that entire situation is that it was family that caused my heart so much heartache. I will explain because I am certain that details of this ordeal have not made their way to my blog. In February 2014 my 2nd cousin John and his wife asked if I knew anyone that could adopt the little boy that was living with them because his mother was clearly messing up and they couldn’t adopt him. I truly believed this to be a calling and jumped in head first. My desperation to be a mommy and his need for a mommy just seemed to make sense. I was all in, not 110% but at least a 1000%. I was for certain that this little boy, a distant relative of mine…was meant to be a member of our family. We all fell head over heels in love with him and for the next year we spent every waking second of our free time doting on him. He was loved, deeply. In January 2015 there was a court hearing to determine where the little boy would be living permanently as his mommy’s rights were officially terminated. He was up for adoption. Tyler and I went to court. My cousin and his wife did not. I was being told by my cousin John that he was in no way, shape, or form interested in adopting this little boy. His wife was consistently telling me she didn’t want to adopt him but wanted to stay a part of his life and wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him. I tried several times to have meetings with them so that we could all work out what would be best for the little boy…even if it meant that we stepped back… I loved him enough to sacrifice if needed. At the hearing, the judge told me and Tyler that he wanted the little boy with us but the current guardians, being tribe members, needed to make a decision on whether or not to adopt and once they decided not to, we would proceed to move him into our home. The night before the deadline that the judge gave my cousin and his wife for the little boy to move to our house, they changed their mind and decided to keep him. I got no phone call, I got an email from the adoption specialist and a text message from my cousin. That’s it. So my grieving started again. I hate to say it, but if I am being honest I did not respond with love and grace the way that I should have. I sent them an email telling them how hurt I was, but got no reply. I am bitter and I am angry with them… not for choosing to keep him, that I completely understand because he is an amazing little boy. What I am angry about is about how little respect they gave to me once they made the decision. I had their back and was at their beckon call for over a year to help raise that little boy that they brought into my life. They used me, chewed me up and spit me out. They took advantage of a mourning mommy for their own gain. I need to forgive them, I am just not sure how. They clearly are unaffected and unapologetic by the amount of heartache they have caused me. The only one hurting with this bitterness is myself. Ok so fast-forward...we have now taken in one foster placement officially. Two little baby girls came and stayed with us for 2 weeks. It was a lot of fun and I loved every single minute of it. I have agreed to take in another little boy however he hasn’t come yet. There is a chance that the little boy might be eligible for adoption later, we will wait and see on that one. So, needless to say…I have been the mommy to 3 little kiddos this year and by the end of the year it might be 4!

Adoption/Fostering possibilities

That time is coming again, the yearning, the desire, and the want for a baby. It breaks my heart that I can never offer my husband an offspring. I know that it is silly but it makes me feel like less of a woman, less of a person. In my mind, a woman’s primary job is to be a mother. I have a 15 year old son who has truly blessed my life with his presence. I thank God for him every day. He showed me what it was like to truly be loved unconditionally and has brought my heart so much joy. He is amazing. So amazing that I wanted more, but that has not been the Lord’s plan for our family. I want a baby. I wish we could all be on the same page on this situation. But then again, maybe we are. I haven’t blogged about this yet for the mere fact that it is a serious situation. In March we met a little boy who is a distant relative of mine who is in the custody of the state. He is also a member of the Chippewa Indian tribe. This little man is amazing and has opened my heart to the idea of adoption and foster care. I love him dearly. We do not know what is going to happen in the weeks to come, but October 7th is his mother’s termination hearing. I am going to be there just in case, but I am very curious and nervous to see what happens. Only time will tell. We are currently in the process of becoming licensed foster parents. We have 3 classes left which feels like such a relief. I am excited to see where this new experience leads us.

Speak Light.

You know what I love. God. He always continues to speak to my heart when I need it the most. I have been having this “poor me” fit lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have friends…and GOOD ones at that…but I have just been really lonely with Tanner being gone that I have been letting the enemy convince me that I am a bad person and no one likes me which is why I spend so much time alone. Last week at work, I ate lunch alone every single day. The people on my team made other plans and did not include me…so I pretty much felt like… “Well they don’t like me…not sure why, but it’s clear that they don’t” Then I get home and Tyler is angry with me all of the time. Maybe not all of the time but it feels like it. And I have a teenager who thinks I’m too old to hang out with….siblings who choose to do things together and exclude me, my mom never has time to visit….the list goes on. Honestly, again…poor me. Spending so much time alone should be a good time for me to do some self reflection but instead I have been beating myself up. Instead of circumstances preventing people from socializing with me, my mind has gone to…”I am just not good enough” Which I know is bologna. As Christians we are guaranteed to be persecuted for our beliefs…but also…if we are speaking light and showing love…it should be easier for people to return the love. Today, I was praying on my way to work today and I had one of those amazing God Winks… I asked God to help me be more liked because clearly I am doing something wrong…when it hit me. Is that what is wrong with me? Am I not loving enough? Do I judge, condemn, act self righteous? Yes, Yes, and all of the above. So even in my greatest attempt to be loving, I am still judging. I know that I am because it happens in my heart. I need to love those that I care about and those that I don’t the same. I need to practice patience, love, and acceptance. How can I speak light, if I let the enemy run my mouth? I love to share the moments when God speaks to me. It’s like “My Testimony” Once I got to work, I was playing on my phone (shhhh) and I found this quite from Joyce Meyer (If you do not know who she is…she is a famous preacher who speaks light…all the time!) Well her quote read as follows: “Choose to hear the voice of God and to think about the things He says, not the things the enemy says.” So what I got from that…Speak Light. What I mean when I say Speak Light is simple. Show the heart of God in my words. Show Love. Only. Find the entire article for Joyce Meyer here: http://www.joycemeyer.org/Articles/Devotional.aspx?utm_content=sf3176561&utm_medium=spredfast&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=Joyce+Meyer+Ministries&sf3176561=1 Then of course I came to my desk. Continuing to think about how to Speak Light and show love. I opened my amazing cards…and what does God have to say to me through them today you ask? Well this: There are as many ways to God as there are people, but the end result must be a deep inner peace that has no prejudice, judgment, or hate. It is a place where you have no negative thoughts, no desire to condemn, or use anger, no fear. Search for that way today using whatever method you deem necessary. Love. On the back of the card it has an Affirmation that says this: “I’m beginning to identify with the true sense of our existence here on planet earth. If to love will bring me that dep inner peace, then I choose to love. I catch myself whenever I have a negative thought about anyone and quickly choose to not condemn. By my actions I’m doing my party in making this earth the place that is meant to be. “ So what have I gathered from all of this…I need to show love. Endless, unconditional, absolute. Love.

The yearning is strong, so strong it saddens me.

Well here I am sitting at home listening to my son do the dishes and my husband bang around in the basement cleaning what I can only assume to be dog droppings.  Exciting, I know. 

I have been feeling that yearning again.  The wish, the want, the dreams of having a baby of our own.  I have Tanner.  And please do not misunderstand me here, that child is the LIGHT of my life.  I adore him and I would go to the ends of the world to and for him.  He is by far my greatest accomplishment in life.  When I say a baby of our own I am not in any way meaning to minimize Tanner.  He is a bright, talented teenager.  Not quite a baby, although my baby...he is almost a man.  Sad. 
I have a very strong yearning for a wee one.  I always have and the older I get the stronger the feeling gets.  It brings me to tears to think about how I may never get to experience that joy again.  And as an adult.  I look at baby pictures of my son and nieces and nephews and it makes me so sad.  I miss those days.
I want them back.

I wish I had the innocence of knowing I could get pregnant and not have to endure a painful loss.  I wish I could be like everyone else, get pregnant...have a healthy pregnancy, have all of the joys of planning for tomorrow, and delivering a healthy baby.  Going home with a newborn. 

I wish.

I dream.
I hope.

Someday...Maybe.

DM2

Just wanted to add a quick note, planning this years mission. It's goin to be huge!

Another Thanksgiving completed and moving towards Christmas.

We have officially made it through another Thanksgiving.  Another year to explore all of the things that we should be thankful for is approaching us.   This year I was able to really sit back and marvel at all of the things that I am grateful for.  It amazes me how one event can alter your entire life’s direction.  Before I was pregnant with Dallas, I wanted to just get my degree and move up the ladder in life.  I wanted to make a lot of money and that surely would satisfy my needs.  While I still follow the pursuit of money to an extent, I have also learned that there are other things in life that bring me absolute joy.  My son Tanner being one of them. 

He just turned 14, and every day I am amazed at what a respectful, honest, kind, and fun loving teenager I have.  He is just awesome.  NO other way to put it.   I promise, there are NO other children quite as awesome as he is.

Christmas is fast approaching now that the annual turkey day has commenced.  I do believe that a large portion of the gifts i will be giving this year will be hand made.  Not going to lie, I am broke.  Somehow life has come down on me like a boulder of financial obligations.  I have so much to pay for and so little money to pay it with.  It is frustrating.  Tyler is paying off some of his debt which has set us over a thousand bucks a month behind.  Which means, I have to make up what he doesn’t have available.  Needless to say we are a little stressed out.  If you can, and feel willing and able, please pray for our financial stability.  We need to get back on our feet and soon.  It is so hard living paycheck to paycheck. 

If only we could win the lottery….

Dreaming of a friend I used to have

I dreamt last night about Amanda. We were smiling, laughing, joking. We were friends again. One of the hardest things about growing up is growing apart from people. I miss the friendship that we shared and I do realize that sometimes we have to just let go and continue to pray. Sometimes I wish my dreams were not so vivid. Maybe then moving past this bump in the road would be easier. This is the second dream I have had of her recently. I hope it is not a sign...but rather a coincidence.