God's will for me is....still unknown

I think a lot about "where I was in life-this time last year"---especially lately. I think it is partially due to the fact that right around now I was newly expecting my bundle of joy. Fearfully walking into a pregnancy but confidently handing the results over to God. I put all of my trust into Him and believed He would bring my baby into my arms safely. What I realize now, that I didn't then...is that rather than following Gods will for me, I was asking Him to come to me and bless what I wanted for me. That is a hard pill to swallow. I want more than anything to have more children. I want to feel normal. I do not like feeling like a failure as a woman. I think the lesson here is that even though I am not perfect God loves me anyway. Not only does he love me, He has big plans for me. I can't wait. It brings me to tears to try and imagine what He is cooking up for my life. It must be incredible because all of the conditioning I have been experiencing is enough to create a champion :) So, with all of this being said...it is time to put one foot in front of the other and start marching to the beat of God's drum. Now, if only I knew what direction the noise was coming from....

It's raining outside so no one can see me cry

I woke up today feeling sad. I didn't shower (don't worry I don't smell.) I literally rolled out of bed, stumbled to the closet, grabbed the closest shirt- put it on and walked out the door. The shirt I chose was my "walk" shirt.

I prayed on the way to work for Tanner and his grades. I prayed that God would open my eyes and heart for what I need to see. And I thanked God for Dallas short but crucial existence.

A year ago, Tyler was still drinking heavy. I was miserable but I loved him so I tougher it out. I hated HATED hated Fridays.

Ever since we lost Dallas, Tyler has grown closer to God. His drinking has slowed WAY down (rarely ever gets drunk at all anymore in comparison to all week or weekend.)

It makes me wonder if Dallas was given to us, to change us...and bring us closer to God.
Only God knows...

Me and Tyler will soon be celebrating four years together. It's so hard to believe. He has made tremendous changes. I am so proud of him and all of his hard work.

I should also mention, that as I was stumbling around feeling sorry for myself, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on. Definitely put me in the mood for some tears! Cried my whole way to work...now it's make up time :)

I hate when my dreams...are dreams...

I just parked my car at work. I had to get my thoughts down before they escape. Yesterday I told my new boss "my story." I was ok with it all. I talked and didn't cry...I made it out of the conversation with out a tear shed. I'm fact I was rather proud of myself. I remember thinking during the conversation "wow look at you...talking about your son without crying! Way to go Wendy!!"

I had forgotten about my dream from last night until just moments ago. I suppose it was the effect to the cause (talking about my pregnancy.) I dreamt of being pregnant and feeling the baby move. The baby was only as big as Dallas was when he died. So tiny. Tyler was excited. I seemed to be too. Clearly this was only a dream because in reality, me and Ty would have been frightened. Not to mention the celibacy that we are practicing until we get married.

We desperately want children. We have a teenager and he really is the light in our hearts. We want to be able to share our love with more kids someday.

I can only hope that is God's plan for us. Until it is revealed we will continue to just trust that He will lead us where it is He wants us to go.

Happy Birthday Nathan

Two years ago we welcomed you into this world with heavy hearts and a lot of sorrow because we knew that your stay here with us would be brief.  Never had we imagined that we would be celebrating your birthday without you.  You have plenty of more family where you are, and you have Jesus.  I can imagine the party that you are having...it must be awesome!  Rest in Peace little one.  Aunt Wendy loves you.  (give Dallas a big hug from me too would ya)

Week 2 of goals

Some of my small goals from last week were met, others I am still working on. For this week I want to continue with last weeks goals, and add in more goals. New goals in addition to old goals: 1.) continue to brainstorm (pray) on who/where Dallas' 1st bday presents should go to. It is several months away but I need to prepare myself. 2.) praise God before feet hit the floor

Mid week prayer focus

This weeks prayer focus has so far been on the following:
1.) soften my family member's hearts so that in Sunday when we go to alpha they are all willing to receive God's word.
2.) praying for my dad and Tylers sobriety
3.) guidance for my daily life.
4.) grandma dennis' health

Setting large...and small goals starts NOW

I want to try something new.  My brother said to me tonight that for 2012 he wants me to love unconditionally.  What does he mean by that?  Is it viewed by others that I love unconditionally?  In my heart I do not offer conditions so am I portraying to people that I only love them "if" they do this or "if" they do that?  That makes me sad.  While I do not know if I am able to love unconditionally and show the world that I do...I do know that there are things in my life I want to change.  In 2011 I made some drastic changes to my lifestyle, and in 2012 I would like to continue the trend.

Things in 2012 that I would like to accomplish:

1.) Anger less easily.  Bite my tongue.  Yell less.

2.) Lower my expectations of my brilliant son so that I dont push him away.

3.) Judge others less.

4.) Find financial freedom.

5.) Pray more.

6.) Save money. (Adoption fund & Vacation fund)

7.) Find out who Wendy really is and what her purpose here is...

8.) Lose weight and feel good about myself again.

However...in order to accomplish all of these things I am going to have to set smaller goals.  I want to write a weekly blog about what I want to accomplish that week.  End the week with another blog going over what I was able to accomplish.  Maybe even blog about what I prayed for and about.  Just so we can physically see how wonderful God's grace truly is.

Today I had a fight with God.  It got ugly.  Real ugly. I screamed, I cried, I cursed.  And in the end, I was broken-hearted for my behavior, and I am for certain He was too.  I am His child, and at times children act out and say things that they do not mean.  I can only imagine the heartache I would feel if my son said to me what I said to God today.  Thank goodness God is forgiving and is merciful! 

For the week of January 9th 2012 here are three simple goals:

1.)  Set bill pays back up

2.)  Have a game night with my son.

3.) Pray twice daily.

Until next week...
Wish me luck...