Update to my earlier post

I am so so so thankful to learn that my dad did NOT relapse. He had to take a drug test because of the collision. That is the good news. And as for the bad news...I wont go on and on about what is on my mind because it is more than obvious that I have not been able to think of much of anything other than the death that my dad witnessed. He is really upset about it, and tonight I saw him cry about it. It breaks my heart to see him so upset. I can only imagine the horror that he witnessed and the pain that he feels in his heart. I pray that God helps his heart heal, I pray that God helps her family cope with her loss, and I hope that the person that caused the entire accident to occur is held accountable for at least driving recklessly.

The death of a motorcyclist

I was given the news yesterday that my dad was involved in a serious accident resulting in the death of a motorcyclist. I have recently expressed my concerns that he may have relapsed, so this only heightens my concerns. Apparently he was driving home from a storm job in MN when a woman driving in front of him was forced off the road by a semi. She tried to avoid the semi, lost control of her bike, and she along with the bike slid across the road hitting a boom truck-ricocheting off of it and then taking the another blow to the back of my dads boom truck. He said that he saw her "explode" on the back of his truck. He did everything he could to avoid the collision but there was no stopping Gods plan. I am very saddened by the incident. I feel terrible for Diane MacKenzie who perished in the accident, I think a lot about my dad and about the other people involved as well. He fears that his truck is what killed her, but I tried to ease his mind by reminding him that she was hit by another boom truck first. It could have happened at any moment. It was God's decision when she was taken and regardless of how it happened, it is how He had planned it. I know that this has been very traumatizing for my dad, and I pray to God that he had not relapsed and it was only my own insecurities causing me to be suspicious for no reason. If he did relapse however, this to me is God's warning to him. God is telling him that He can and He will take everything away. God gives us all warnings when we stray from his path, and hopefully this was an eye opener for all that were involved. I pray for Diane's family. I pray that they find peace knowing that God took her from this earth while she was doing what she loved to do. Riding her bike. I looked into her a bit, did some research...and found that she was involved with a corporation that teaches safe riding as well as fights for motorcyclist rights. She was on her way to a freedom ride when the accident occurred. I am very sorry for everyone's loss. May God be will all that are involved.

A Matter of My Concern

I find myself scared. Scared to death. I have only had my father in my life for a couple of years now. In all actuality he has been in my life since birth, however, he has struggled with addictions that were far greater than the love for his family...so he has not been present in my life. He missed so much for so many years, and so did we. Recently, I have started to have a little bit of concern about my dad suffering another relapse. He has done this before...the whole "stay sober for a while thing" but has never made it THIS long. And I am trying my best NOT to blame my mother. They were trying to (for lack of a better term) get back "together" and a few weeks ago...her ex boyfriend...just popped back up in the picture. So she blew my dad off. I understand with everything that they have been through why she would be hesitant on letting him back in...but GOD please do not let this be true. I have wanted a daddy for my entire life, and for a short period of time I was given one. I am sad. I am very sad. I do not want this to end. Please do not let my suspicions be correct. God please give me the strength and the courage to say something. I need to get him help now. Before it escalates. I am so scared to lose what I have wanted my entire life. Please Please Please DO NOT LET THIS BE TRUE.

I just wanna be okay

I keep thinking back to my happier days...you know...back when I was single. I have really been struggling with the whole idea of spending the rest of my life unhappy. I have given two years to one man who is not right for me. Immediately before that, another two years to a man who was terrible for me but fun to be with, and shortly before than three years to a man that was my best friend, but not right for me either, and before that...many many years back and forth with another man who was terribly mean to me. When am I going to take time for me? I have wasted fourteen years of my life OVER HALF OF MY LIFE...on men that were not worth my time. Men that did not deserve me. I am a great person, loving, honest, faithful, humorous, trusting, the list goes on really. And yet, I always land myself in relationships that only make my heart hurt more. I gave myself a deadline...to end the relationship I am currently in...of August. I need to get out of this lifestyle. Its only a matter of time...soon enough I will have my freedom and find my peace. There is light on the horizon and I am darn near running towards it.

I am exhausted. Incredibly exhausted. Had a really great weekend with the entire family camping out at Ledges state park and I have not been able to get completely caught up on my missed sleep as of yet. Here is a picture of MOST of our camping party


I found out last night that my ex fiance is expecting another baby soon. I am happy for him...well more so for his girlfriend than for him...he is a terrible father. I am sure she will make a great mother though. Makes me a little sad though. When will it be my turn? I think I am okay with giving up on the hopes of having more children. After all, I do have my niece and nephews to pacify that yearning a little bit. On a better note, Baby Nathan's headstone was finally laid last week. Just in time for Memorial Day :-)


My little boy graduates from fifth grade next week. Here in a little bit I am going to take a trip up to his school to give him my digital camera so that he can take pictures of his field trip...maybe I will just hang on to my camera and go with him? Not sure yet. It is both exciting and saddening that he is growing up so fast. I am happy for him. Sad for me haha.

Get out of my ureta already!

Mollie made it home safely a few hours ago, she had to pull over in the middle of the night and take a quick snooze. I am glad she did that. Thank you Lord for guiding her back to Texas safely.

On another note, I spent 6 hours in the emergency room today. Found out that I have a kidney stone that is attempting to expel itself out of my body. It is incredibly excruciating. The pain is on the right side, and to be honest...I thought it was another ectopic (since I am 27days late!!!) However, I have had ten negative pregnancy tests so it is safe to say...that I really am not pregnant. I just have something weird going on with my reproductive system. I will be going to see a doctor about it soon.

Well, that is all I want to write for now...my side hurts too much to continue writing.

Middle of May

I feel very sad. Very empty. My best friend of 16, almost 17 years just left my house and is now in route to someplace in Texas that she now calls home. I have been so lucky. I was able to spend the last several days with her, and now...she is gone. Not for good, I will see her again...but for now I am really depressed about her departure. Have you ever had that friend that always "understands you," that regardless of life's curve balls is always there, that even if you dont talk for years...you know in your heart that they will be your friend always...well for me that is her. Seeing her was not only great and fabulous, but it also reminded me of what we all lost a few months ago. For her, it is her mother. For me, it is my friend. It's so hard to think about anything right now other than the fact that "Aunt Becky" as my son called her, is gone for good. I thank God that He has brought my best friend back to Iowa...if even for a visit. I know how hard this visit was for her. She handled it well. This was the first time I was in her mother's house without her mother being there though. It was exceptionally hard for me. I think I cried a good portion of the weekend...and tonight as well. She left Iowa about twenty minutes ago, and God, PLEASE help guide her back to Texas safely. She is tired. She should have napped. Please give her the strength emotionally and physically to make a safe journey.