Week 2 of goals

Some of my small goals from last week were met, others I am still working on. For this week I want to continue with last weeks goals, and add in more goals. New goals in addition to old goals: 1.) continue to brainstorm (pray) on who/where Dallas' 1st bday presents should go to. It is several months away but I need to prepare myself. 2.) praise God before feet hit the floor

Mid week prayer focus

This weeks prayer focus has so far been on the following:
1.) soften my family member's hearts so that in Sunday when we go to alpha they are all willing to receive God's word.
2.) praying for my dad and Tylers sobriety
3.) guidance for my daily life.
4.) grandma dennis' health

Setting large...and small goals starts NOW

I want to try something new.  My brother said to me tonight that for 2012 he wants me to love unconditionally.  What does he mean by that?  Is it viewed by others that I love unconditionally?  In my heart I do not offer conditions so am I portraying to people that I only love them "if" they do this or "if" they do that?  That makes me sad.  While I do not know if I am able to love unconditionally and show the world that I do...I do know that there are things in my life I want to change.  In 2011 I made some drastic changes to my lifestyle, and in 2012 I would like to continue the trend.

Things in 2012 that I would like to accomplish:

1.) Anger less easily.  Bite my tongue.  Yell less.

2.) Lower my expectations of my brilliant son so that I dont push him away.

3.) Judge others less.

4.) Find financial freedom.

5.) Pray more.

6.) Save money. (Adoption fund & Vacation fund)

7.) Find out who Wendy really is and what her purpose here is...

8.) Lose weight and feel good about myself again.

However...in order to accomplish all of these things I am going to have to set smaller goals.  I want to write a weekly blog about what I want to accomplish that week.  End the week with another blog going over what I was able to accomplish.  Maybe even blog about what I prayed for and about.  Just so we can physically see how wonderful God's grace truly is.

Today I had a fight with God.  It got ugly.  Real ugly. I screamed, I cried, I cursed.  And in the end, I was broken-hearted for my behavior, and I am for certain He was too.  I am His child, and at times children act out and say things that they do not mean.  I can only imagine the heartache I would feel if my son said to me what I said to God today.  Thank goodness God is forgiving and is merciful! 

For the week of January 9th 2012 here are three simple goals:

1.)  Set bill pays back up

2.)  Have a game night with my son.

3.) Pray twice daily.

Until next week...
Wish me luck...

Hello 2012

Wow! What a year this has been!!! I keep reflecting back to where I was exactly one year ago. It chokes me up. Big time! I can't believe how much I have grown both spiritually and in my waste band lol! I am nervous for change but it has to happen. We will move forward with God's will leading the way. Soon, very soon...this will all make sense. I have an overwhelming pull in my heart to pursue china orphanages. Only time will tell...

God is at work in our family...I can feel it!

For one full year I have been tuning into Christian music. Honestly, I can't imagine what life was like before I had this as my foundation. It makes me sad to think about the old me. Hopefully in another year I will be able to look back at all of my fabulous accomplishments and achievements and be proud of myself for doing good for myself and for others especially. Praise God for all the great changes I made in my life. Hopefully he is laying the ground work for change within my family. In two weeks my entire family will be taking Alpha together. I can't wait! It will be a great bonding experience <3 and hopefully they will be going with an open and softened heart and will hear The Good News and accept it!!!

Being the parent of a teenager is rough sometimes...

I am sitting in the cafeteria...it appears a lot of my thoughts come to me most when I am sitting at lunch...interestingly enough.

The more I blog, the better I feel...sometimes. I noticed that I am increasingly becoming stressed out the closer and closer we get to Christmas. I broke down last night again. I think it was because my 13 year old son has finally reached the age where his mom is no longer "cool." It depressed me...especially when I recalled how I felt earlier this year when this realization was just beginning to set in. Except back then, I was comforted knowing that although Tanner would no longer like his mom or want his mom involved, there would be a new baby that would need me...so it was all going to be okay. I would not hurt as bad...

Then I lost Dallas and I am still in the "not cool mom" category so I find myself up a creek without a paddle.
Bummer.

I need to find something that Tanner and I will be able to do...something in common...so that he will want to be around me again. It used to be just me and him. For years that is all that either of us knew. Now we have a family and Tanner is a teenager.

Who knew parenting could be this rough?

Tyler kindly pointed out to me last night that by the age of 13 he was really rude to his mom and treated her poorly but he still loved her. He reminded me of this because Tanner is NOT disrespectful, he is NOT mouthy, he is NOT tempermental, or dishonest. I am lucky. I am blessed. My teenager is one of a kind and truly is a rare gem...and for that I AM THANKFUL.

Thank you God for my teenager. Thank you God for all the wonderful years you have given to both of us, and hopefully many more. Thank you God for all of our blessings...we have so many.

A word from the wise many moons ago

It is officially four days until Christmas. Dallas' first Christmas. I wish my baby boy was here to celebrate it with me. I wish I was able to stuff his stocking full of goodies. Instead I have a tiny stocking for him hung up on the tree. It allows me to keep him involved without seeming too weird to my friends and family that come over. Which is basically no one because we have no visitors LOL. I know that Dallas is having a wonderful time in Heaven. He isn't missing out by any means...we are though. I try not to look at it that way...but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I hear news about other people having their babies or getting pregnant.

I wish things were effortless for me like they are for them.

Envy is a bad thing.

How do I teach myself to not be envious. These women all have something that I desperately want. The ability to carry, and give birth to a healthy and happy baby. I yearn for that. My heart breaks because I know that I am not going to be able to do this...not in this lifetime. I know that I need to give up, hand it over to God, and accept any and everything that he lays in my path.

I am trying. It is hard.

I am a work in progress.

A friend of mine sat down for lunch together a few weeks after I said good bye to Dallas. She is very spiritual and loves God with ALL of her mind, body, and spirit. She has a deeper rooted faith than I have seen in many people. I love her and cherish her friendship. She said to me that day... "God's got a plan for you girl. He is going to have you do BIG things."

Oddly enough, the BIG things statement has been what has helped to keep my head about the water. Whenever I think about how I am drowning in my own grief, I remember what Amy said to me that day and I am reminded that all of this that I am going through right now is only temporary. He is molding me and is laying the groundwork for things to come. I just need to have faith and believe that good things will come.