I was the lucky one...

Christmas is in less than a week. Earlier this year, I was for certain that by this time of year I would be holding my infant son, wiped out exhausted from the lack of sleep, and happy. Good thing I never became a fortune teller LOL. I would owe a lot of refunds hahaha.

I have been thinking a lot about my little Dallas. I hope that someday I can make him proud. Whatever the reason was that he was sent to me, I am honored to have been the one to have got to carry him for as long as I did...however...I feel like there was something more that I am missing.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that I should be pursuing adoption...however... until Tyler and I have become husband and wife, I feel we need to just wait. I want the Lord to bless us so we have also abstained from "relations" and will continue to abstain until we are married. Regardless if we are blessed with a child of our own, or not...if we adopt, or not...if we choose to find other options, or not...I want to be able to see it as a blessing. I want to be able to sit back, and truly thank God for all that He has done in our lives. I do thank Him, daily...but that is not exactly what I mean.

I want to be able to look back five year from now, read these blogs, and see what miraculous things God used me for now...to get me to where I will be then. I can't wait to reflect back on all of this, and thank Him for all of it. Even the bad. I know I am hurting right now, and healing...but there will come a day when I can talk about Dallas and not feel shattered. I know some day that I will be able to talk to a woman who will be walking in the shoes that I am in, I will be able to give her advice, and show her how to be strong. It is not easy and I by no means feel strong, but I feel like I am beginning to heal.

Only time will tell.
I still have his first birthday to go. I think I am going to have my friends and family get together to celebrate his first birthday. We will be buying age appropriate gifts and donating them to a child or organization in need. I think it is the best way I can honor my little boy. I loved him so much in such a short time...I sure hope he knows how lucky I felt just to be his momma.