A word from the wise many moons ago

It is officially four days until Christmas. Dallas' first Christmas. I wish my baby boy was here to celebrate it with me. I wish I was able to stuff his stocking full of goodies. Instead I have a tiny stocking for him hung up on the tree. It allows me to keep him involved without seeming too weird to my friends and family that come over. Which is basically no one because we have no visitors LOL. I know that Dallas is having a wonderful time in Heaven. He isn't missing out by any means...we are though. I try not to look at it that way...but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I hear news about other people having their babies or getting pregnant.

I wish things were effortless for me like they are for them.

Envy is a bad thing.

How do I teach myself to not be envious. These women all have something that I desperately want. The ability to carry, and give birth to a healthy and happy baby. I yearn for that. My heart breaks because I know that I am not going to be able to do this...not in this lifetime. I know that I need to give up, hand it over to God, and accept any and everything that he lays in my path.

I am trying. It is hard.

I am a work in progress.

A friend of mine sat down for lunch together a few weeks after I said good bye to Dallas. She is very spiritual and loves God with ALL of her mind, body, and spirit. She has a deeper rooted faith than I have seen in many people. I love her and cherish her friendship. She said to me that day... "God's got a plan for you girl. He is going to have you do BIG things."

Oddly enough, the BIG things statement has been what has helped to keep my head about the water. Whenever I think about how I am drowning in my own grief, I remember what Amy said to me that day and I am reminded that all of this that I am going through right now is only temporary. He is molding me and is laying the groundwork for things to come. I just need to have faith and believe that good things will come.

I was the lucky one...

Christmas is in less than a week. Earlier this year, I was for certain that by this time of year I would be holding my infant son, wiped out exhausted from the lack of sleep, and happy. Good thing I never became a fortune teller LOL. I would owe a lot of refunds hahaha.

I have been thinking a lot about my little Dallas. I hope that someday I can make him proud. Whatever the reason was that he was sent to me, I am honored to have been the one to have got to carry him for as long as I did...however...I feel like there was something more that I am missing.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that I should be pursuing adoption...however... until Tyler and I have become husband and wife, I feel we need to just wait. I want the Lord to bless us so we have also abstained from "relations" and will continue to abstain until we are married. Regardless if we are blessed with a child of our own, or not...if we adopt, or not...if we choose to find other options, or not...I want to be able to see it as a blessing. I want to be able to sit back, and truly thank God for all that He has done in our lives. I do thank Him, daily...but that is not exactly what I mean.

I want to be able to look back five year from now, read these blogs, and see what miraculous things God used me for now...to get me to where I will be then. I can't wait to reflect back on all of this, and thank Him for all of it. Even the bad. I know I am hurting right now, and healing...but there will come a day when I can talk about Dallas and not feel shattered. I know some day that I will be able to talk to a woman who will be walking in the shoes that I am in, I will be able to give her advice, and show her how to be strong. It is not easy and I by no means feel strong, but I feel like I am beginning to heal.

Only time will tell.
I still have his first birthday to go. I think I am going to have my friends and family get together to celebrate his first birthday. We will be buying age appropriate gifts and donating them to a child or organization in need. I think it is the best way I can honor my little boy. I loved him so much in such a short time...I sure hope he knows how lucky I felt just to be his momma.

The monkey stands alone

I have my ups...way more ups then before...and I have my downs. Most of today was good, but then it hit me. We had a stuffed monkey in place if our son in our family picture. :(. I know God needed him more...I just wish sometimes God would take negotiations... LOL Dallas was my baby... And my heart had been shattered ever since he was called home. Tyler has truly been amazing. So has tanner. They are both so patient with me while I go through my erratic mood swings, temperamental tantrums, and emotional roller coasters. If I were them, I would leave me! They stand by me...and love me...and nurture my heart. Thank you God for them!!!!!!

Officially moving on, I think...

It is Sunday. Sunday after thanksgiving. My new nephew Mason will be a week old tomorrow. I still haven't met him, but I will. I am just going out of my way to do so. My due date has come and gone. I haven't cried in a week. Explain that?! There is only one clear, concise explanation as to why I have been strong in my weakest hours. God. Many have prayed, including myself. The Lord has held me up in the times where I was unable to hold myself. I think now that I have made it past the due date I cab start moving on. I hope. I love my son Dallas but it is time I get myself together and move forward for my son Tanner. My boys mean the world to me and I am worthless if all I do is mope and cry. Time to start smiling again...

Getting closer and closer

The last several weeks have served to be rather trying to both my patience and my faith. I am pushing forward and hanging on for dear life. I know that if I just cling tighter, God will provide me with the strength that I need to carry on with life...after Dallas. In less than an hour it will be the day that Towera goes in for her induction. I wish I could say I am excited. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I am happy for her. My problem is not with her, my problem is with me. My reminders of what I have lost. I dont understand what is different between Dallas and my previous miscarriages, but by far there has been a drastic increase in the amount of pain that my broken heart has endured. I hate how I feel. I am clinging to life on a daily basis in an intense amount of grief. Every day I cry. I take that back--every day I do not cry, I weep. My son should have met me on Wednesday. Instead, my sweet baby will have to wait a very long time hopefully before he gets to meet me. I hope he knows how much I love him. Several members in my family have commented on "how I need counseling" to better "deal" with Dallas' death. On one hand, they are probably right. Losing my baby boy was the single most painful thing I have ever endured. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my friends have been no where to be seen since I lost my baby. So basically I am dealing with my intense amount of grief alone. Well I am not REALLY alone. I DO have Tyler and my mom and grandma Dennis. I just wish instead of telling me that I need counseling, people would just let me talk about my son. I know that I don't have memories to share, but I did have an incredible love for him. That should count for something. I was so excited for him, and when I got the news that things were not right, my world was crushed. I have been doing a 30 days of gratitude count down, ending On my due date. Since dallas is dead, it seems silly To some people to fixate on the date he was supposed to be born. To me it makes perfect sense. I want to honor my baby. I want to show God most of all that i appreciate everything that i DO have. Four months have passed. Not a day goes my that I don't think about my son. My life will never be the same...

And the world continues on...without him

One of the girls that I was pregnant with is close with my brother. Since her baby's father isn't going to be around, my brother will me taking responsibility of her son. Here is the kicker, we were due within days of each other. I have always known that seeing her son was going to be hard, but now he is going to be my nephew. It's official. I struggle with this big time. I can not open my heart yet. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. My mom said to me tonight that I am going to need to... Yes, on one hand she is right. On the other hand, she has never felt the emptiness and complete darkness that consumes you after your dreams of having a baby are crushed. She had four perfectly healthy and normal babies. I had one, and NINE unhealthy pregnancies. I got to feel Dallas kick which was amazing in itself. He was strong and he held on as long as he could, but it wasn't long enough. Now I am left here to grieve and my life must go on without him. My friends are getting ready to be welcoming their bundles into this world as I am reminded of what I will not be getting. I really need to stop focusing on what I don't get and start focusing on some of the positives I have. For instance, although I have a gaping hole in my heart, I have Abrielle to fill it. It is unfair to my niece to "use" her as a bandaid but for me, that is what she is. My bandaid. I love her so much. :)

Answers please...

I am trying my best to contain my anger in check right now. Tonight I went to a class at the church. When I got home Tyler was slobbering drunk, on a Sunday night mind you!!! I ignored him, got him to go to bed... Then he wakes up stumbles to the bathroom, or so I thought. A few seconds later I hear my sob yelling. I get up to see what's going on to find drunken stupid Tyler peeing on my sons bedroom door. Hey dumbass! Does that look like a toilet to you? I have enough going on. I don't need his "extra" alcohol days bogging me down too. My dad says I should just pray about it. He is probably right. Heavenly Father you are awesome. You are mighty. You are God. I am a sinner who gets angry and yells at a sick man on a weekly basis. Thank you for blessing me with many good days with this man. Lord please lead him to You and show him Your glory. Let him see You and everything you have done to and for him so that he can change his ways and live a healthier, more productive lifestyle. Lord, he really is a good man with a bad problem. He just needs someone to help him, and after four years...I am beginning to think it's not me. Lord please direct me in the path you want me to follow. If a life with him is what you will, then please help heal his heart so that I can begin to feel the joy again.