I haven’t taken a lot of time for updates lately for a number of reasons, but primarily because I have been overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of a busy lifestyle. SO much has happened since I last time I made an entry so let me start by filling in some of the blanks. With my last post we were in the process of getting our foster license so we could adopt a little boy. We are licensed now. However, the little boy that we had dreams of adopting… is no longer an option. I spent 3-5 days a week playing the mother role for a child who I loved and cared deeply for, only to have him ripped out of my life the night before he was supposed to move in with us. The most hurtful part about that entire situation is that it was family that caused my heart so much heartache. I will explain because I am certain that details of this ordeal have not made their way to my blog. In February 2014 my 2nd cousin John and his wife asked if I knew anyone that could adopt the little boy that was living with them because his mother was clearly messing up and they couldn’t adopt him. I truly believed this to be a calling and jumped in head first. My desperation to be a mommy and his need for a mommy just seemed to make sense. I was all in, not 110% but at least a 1000%. I was for certain that this little boy, a distant relative of mine…was meant to be a member of our family. We all fell head over heels in love with him and for the next year we spent every waking second of our free time doting on him. He was loved, deeply. In January 2015 there was a court hearing to determine where the little boy would be living permanently as his mommy’s rights were officially terminated. He was up for adoption. Tyler and I went to court. My cousin and his wife did not. I was being told by my cousin John that he was in no way, shape, or form interested in adopting this little boy. His wife was consistently telling me she didn’t want to adopt him but wanted to stay a part of his life and wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him. I tried several times to have meetings with them so that we could all work out what would be best for the little boy…even if it meant that we stepped back… I loved him enough to sacrifice if needed. At the hearing, the judge told me and Tyler that he wanted the little boy with us but the current guardians, being tribe members, needed to make a decision on whether or not to adopt and once they decided not to, we would proceed to move him into our home. The night before the deadline that the judge gave my cousin and his wife for the little boy to move to our house, they changed their mind and decided to keep him. I got no phone call, I got an email from the adoption specialist and a text message from my cousin. That’s it. So my grieving started again. I hate to say it, but if I am being honest I did not respond with love and grace the way that I should have. I sent them an email telling them how hurt I was, but got no reply. I am bitter and I am angry with them… not for choosing to keep him, that I completely understand because he is an amazing little boy. What I am angry about is about how little respect they gave to me once they made the decision. I had their back and was at their beckon call for over a year to help raise that little boy that they brought into my life. They used me, chewed me up and spit me out. They took advantage of a mourning mommy for their own gain. I need to forgive them, I am just not sure how. They clearly are unaffected and unapologetic by the amount of heartache they have caused me. The only one hurting with this bitterness is myself. Ok so fast-forward...we have now taken in one foster placement officially. Two little baby girls came and stayed with us for 2 weeks. It was a lot of fun and I loved every single minute of it. I have agreed to take in another little boy however he hasn’t come yet. There is a chance that the little boy might be eligible for adoption later, we will wait and see on that one. So, needless to say…I have been the mommy to 3 little kiddos this year and by the end of the year it might be 4!

Adoption/Fostering possibilities

That time is coming again, the yearning, the desire, and the want for a baby. It breaks my heart that I can never offer my husband an offspring. I know that it is silly but it makes me feel like less of a woman, less of a person. In my mind, a woman’s primary job is to be a mother. I have a 15 year old son who has truly blessed my life with his presence. I thank God for him every day. He showed me what it was like to truly be loved unconditionally and has brought my heart so much joy. He is amazing. So amazing that I wanted more, but that has not been the Lord’s plan for our family. I want a baby. I wish we could all be on the same page on this situation. But then again, maybe we are. I haven’t blogged about this yet for the mere fact that it is a serious situation. In March we met a little boy who is a distant relative of mine who is in the custody of the state. He is also a member of the Chippewa Indian tribe. This little man is amazing and has opened my heart to the idea of adoption and foster care. I love him dearly. We do not know what is going to happen in the weeks to come, but October 7th is his mother’s termination hearing. I am going to be there just in case, but I am very curious and nervous to see what happens. Only time will tell. We are currently in the process of becoming licensed foster parents. We have 3 classes left which feels like such a relief. I am excited to see where this new experience leads us.

Speak Light.

You know what I love. God. He always continues to speak to my heart when I need it the most. I have been having this “poor me” fit lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have friends…and GOOD ones at that…but I have just been really lonely with Tanner being gone that I have been letting the enemy convince me that I am a bad person and no one likes me which is why I spend so much time alone. Last week at work, I ate lunch alone every single day. The people on my team made other plans and did not include me…so I pretty much felt like… “Well they don’t like me…not sure why, but it’s clear that they don’t” Then I get home and Tyler is angry with me all of the time. Maybe not all of the time but it feels like it. And I have a teenager who thinks I’m too old to hang out with….siblings who choose to do things together and exclude me, my mom never has time to visit….the list goes on. Honestly, again…poor me. Spending so much time alone should be a good time for me to do some self reflection but instead I have been beating myself up. Instead of circumstances preventing people from socializing with me, my mind has gone to…”I am just not good enough” Which I know is bologna. As Christians we are guaranteed to be persecuted for our beliefs…but also…if we are speaking light and showing love…it should be easier for people to return the love. Today, I was praying on my way to work today and I had one of those amazing God Winks… I asked God to help me be more liked because clearly I am doing something wrong…when it hit me. Is that what is wrong with me? Am I not loving enough? Do I judge, condemn, act self righteous? Yes, Yes, and all of the above. So even in my greatest attempt to be loving, I am still judging. I know that I am because it happens in my heart. I need to love those that I care about and those that I don’t the same. I need to practice patience, love, and acceptance. How can I speak light, if I let the enemy run my mouth? I love to share the moments when God speaks to me. It’s like “My Testimony” Once I got to work, I was playing on my phone (shhhh) and I found this quite from Joyce Meyer (If you do not know who she is…she is a famous preacher who speaks light…all the time!) Well her quote read as follows: “Choose to hear the voice of God and to think about the things He says, not the things the enemy says.” So what I got from that…Speak Light. What I mean when I say Speak Light is simple. Show the heart of God in my words. Show Love. Only. Find the entire article for Joyce Meyer here: http://www.joycemeyer.org/Articles/Devotional.aspx?utm_content=sf3176561&utm_medium=spredfast&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=Joyce+Meyer+Ministries&sf3176561=1 Then of course I came to my desk. Continuing to think about how to Speak Light and show love. I opened my amazing cards…and what does God have to say to me through them today you ask? Well this: There are as many ways to God as there are people, but the end result must be a deep inner peace that has no prejudice, judgment, or hate. It is a place where you have no negative thoughts, no desire to condemn, or use anger, no fear. Search for that way today using whatever method you deem necessary. Love. On the back of the card it has an Affirmation that says this: “I’m beginning to identify with the true sense of our existence here on planet earth. If to love will bring me that dep inner peace, then I choose to love. I catch myself whenever I have a negative thought about anyone and quickly choose to not condemn. By my actions I’m doing my party in making this earth the place that is meant to be. “ So what have I gathered from all of this…I need to show love. Endless, unconditional, absolute. Love.

The yearning is strong, so strong it saddens me.

Well here I am sitting at home listening to my son do the dishes and my husband bang around in the basement cleaning what I can only assume to be dog droppings.  Exciting, I know. 

I have been feeling that yearning again.  The wish, the want, the dreams of having a baby of our own.  I have Tanner.  And please do not misunderstand me here, that child is the LIGHT of my life.  I adore him and I would go to the ends of the world to and for him.  He is by far my greatest accomplishment in life.  When I say a baby of our own I am not in any way meaning to minimize Tanner.  He is a bright, talented teenager.  Not quite a baby, although my baby...he is almost a man.  Sad. 
I have a very strong yearning for a wee one.  I always have and the older I get the stronger the feeling gets.  It brings me to tears to think about how I may never get to experience that joy again.  And as an adult.  I look at baby pictures of my son and nieces and nephews and it makes me so sad.  I miss those days.
I want them back.

I wish I had the innocence of knowing I could get pregnant and not have to endure a painful loss.  I wish I could be like everyone else, get pregnant...have a healthy pregnancy, have all of the joys of planning for tomorrow, and delivering a healthy baby.  Going home with a newborn. 

I wish.

I dream.
I hope.

Someday...Maybe.

DM2

Just wanted to add a quick note, planning this years mission. It's goin to be huge!

Another Thanksgiving completed and moving towards Christmas.

We have officially made it through another Thanksgiving.  Another year to explore all of the things that we should be thankful for is approaching us.   This year I was able to really sit back and marvel at all of the things that I am grateful for.  It amazes me how one event can alter your entire life’s direction.  Before I was pregnant with Dallas, I wanted to just get my degree and move up the ladder in life.  I wanted to make a lot of money and that surely would satisfy my needs.  While I still follow the pursuit of money to an extent, I have also learned that there are other things in life that bring me absolute joy.  My son Tanner being one of them. 

He just turned 14, and every day I am amazed at what a respectful, honest, kind, and fun loving teenager I have.  He is just awesome.  NO other way to put it.   I promise, there are NO other children quite as awesome as he is.

Christmas is fast approaching now that the annual turkey day has commenced.  I do believe that a large portion of the gifts i will be giving this year will be hand made.  Not going to lie, I am broke.  Somehow life has come down on me like a boulder of financial obligations.  I have so much to pay for and so little money to pay it with.  It is frustrating.  Tyler is paying off some of his debt which has set us over a thousand bucks a month behind.  Which means, I have to make up what he doesn’t have available.  Needless to say we are a little stressed out.  If you can, and feel willing and able, please pray for our financial stability.  We need to get back on our feet and soon.  It is so hard living paycheck to paycheck. 

If only we could win the lottery….

Dreaming of a friend I used to have

I dreamt last night about Amanda. We were smiling, laughing, joking. We were friends again. One of the hardest things about growing up is growing apart from people. I miss the friendship that we shared and I do realize that sometimes we have to just let go and continue to pray. Sometimes I wish my dreams were not so vivid. Maybe then moving past this bump in the road would be easier. This is the second dream I have had of her recently. I hope it is not a sign...but rather a coincidence.

Happy Birthday little Dallas

Today is the day you were born one year ago.  I miss you more and more every day.  Not a day has gone by that you were not on my mind.  I love you son.  I hope you and Jesus are having one fabulous party in Heaven! 

Love Mommy

Mission Complete.

The food drive was held today.  There is still one week before it is the one year anniversary that Dallas was born.  Here are some pictures to see how successful this years food drive was.  After the overwhelming success it is evident that this is going to be an annual food drive.  What a wonderful way to keep my son's memory alive.  I loved him so so so much and even though I never got to hold him alive in this lifetime I am 100% positive that he is waiting for me on the other side.  Until then, I will continue to do God's work and share Dallas' Mission with others. 

Weeks approaching are overwhelming me...

Well it is official.  One week from today will be the baby food drive and two weeks from today is going to be the one year anniversary to Dallas' birth.  I am doing ok, surprisingly.  Ask me as we get closer to the date and I may give you an entirely different answer.  For now, I am good.  I am trying to focus all of my energy on the food drive.  We have collected quite a bit so far, and I anticipate to collect much more.  I am excited to see just how big I can get this to be.  This is God's plan, my journey, and Dallas' Mission.  I get to be the voice for Dallas. 

If you would have told me a year ago that the child that I was carrying and working so hard to save was not going to make it and instead of celebrating a birthday I would be holding a city wide food drive in his name to give God glory, I would have said you are crazy.   Yet here I am, funny how things work out sometimes.

A year ago I was frantically doing any and everything within my power to save my child's life and give him the weeks within my womb that he desperately needed to thrive.  At this point, I was on a strictly fluid diet.  Being half way through your pregnancy, having cravings, and not being able to eat was awful.  Not to mention I was also suffering severe and daily gallbladder attacks.  I was miserable but I did everything I had to so that my child would have a fighting chance.  He fought for as long as he could.  Reminiscing is bittersweet.  Bitter because I remember the pain I endured as if it were yesterday and sweet because I also remember the joy, excitement, and hope that Dallas brought into our lives.  He changed us.  In many ways.

I am moving forward, baby steps.  I am determined to NOT let this destroy me.  I am determined to allow God to be my master.  He leads.  I follow.  I am excited to see what the future holds for my family...and as long as we do it together, nothing else matters.  Today, so far, has been a good day. 

Dallas' Mission

Dallas' Mission is definitely off to a great start!  I have three more weeks to go, but something tells me this is going to be incredible. I am so honored and humbled to have found such an incredible out pour of prayer, friendships, support, and spirit in the most unlikely of places.  I am AMAZED at how God is always there to not only hold my hand but to embrace me and hold me UP.  I asked for guidance, and he answered.  Big.  He is turning this tragedy into a triumph.  Although my heart hurts and I miss my son Dallas terribly, I know that good things are coming for us.  I am going to scan a copy of the flyer later and include it into the blog this weekend. 

Dallas' mission

For months since I lost Dallas I was trying to come to terms with just merely losing him.  After I got over the hurdle of my actual due date things have seemed to have become easier for me…day by day…little by little.  As I am fast approaching the one year anniversary of his birth I have been racking my head on what I can do to remember and honor him while also giving glory God.  I have prayed relentlessly to try and figure it out.  I won’t go into all of the details, some say it is coincidence, others say it is divinity.  For me, I know that in my heart of hearts it was God talking to me, showing me just what he wants me to do.

Who am I to argue with God?

Here is the plan:

First I need to come up with a clever fundraiser name.  I have a friend already working on this, but any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Second, spread the word.  Share this with your friends, and maybe they can share it with theirs.  I want as many people as possible to participate.  I want to flood the food pantry with baby foods.  Think about it, how many food drives have you seen cans of formula at?  Not very many right?  Well, that is about to change!!  This food drive is solely for baby foods.  

Dallas mattered.  And this is his mission.

During the next month and a half I am going to gather as much baby food and formula as I possibly can.  I am not doing this to start hoarding so don’t worry. HA!  In honor of Dallas’ first angel-versary I am going to donate every thing that I have collected to the DMARC (Des Moines Area Religious Council) and they will be supplying the local food pantry with it. 

Here is the thing; they are in GREAT need of baby foods.  So please, please, please participate.  One can, one jar, one box…anything you can and are able to donate would be much appreciated. 

All of the items will be donated right before Dallas’ first birthday July, 7^th. 

How it feels to be me, within my grief

When I run into people who know and they ask the simple, yet complicated phrase, "How are you" my heart wrenches to tell the truth.  But instead, to spare the other person from the uncomfortable awkwardness that is my reality, I lie, and say that "I am doing great" and thank them for asking.

The truth is, I'm not.  The truth is, I am learning a whole new normal.  The truth is, our lives will never be the same as they were before we became pregnant with our little Dallas.

Congratulating friends and family on their wonderful blessings is now bittersweet.  There is a twinge of guilt and jealousy with each new arrival.  Our son never got to be welcomed joyfully-at least not here on earth.

Walking down any particular isle at the store, especially one that is stocked with baby items instantly brings a flood of sadness.  My son will not be needing these.

Driving in a parking lot and passing the special "Mommy to be" spaces reserved for new and expectant mothers is a painful reminder of what we will never have.

As if having my son in an urn on special shelf is not hard enough, we also get numerous reminders throughout the month that our son is not with us.

Baby coupons. No Baby.
Baby magazines. No Baby.
One mommy, one daddy, one big brother.  No Baby.
Friends who didn't know. Awkward conversation. No Baby.
Stuffed monkey bought for baby. No Baby.
Feelings of guilt. No Baby.
Dreams of holding my son.  Wake up.  No Baby.
Medical bills from his delivery.  No Baby.
Empty arms.  No Baby.

 After my son died, I felt a pain much greater than I have ever experienced.  Within the storm of my grief, I found God to be more present than I would have ever imagined.   God clearly carried me during my darkest hours of grief.  When we hear the verse, "Jesus Wept" it is hard to imagine what it really means to weep.  Now, I know.

To weep is far greater than a simple cry that I knew as normal prior to losing our son.  For the first time in my life I also experienced it.  I wept.  It is a cry of sorrow, pain, anxiety, depression, and longing for answers.  To weep, you feel the cry deep within.  You not only shed tears of grief, but your entire body responds to the grief in the same manner.  I know that while I was weeping for the four straight months that followed my son's death, God was there.  He was whispering and continually showing His presence to let me know that we were being taken care of.  He made sure to offer us comfort and allowed us to find strength within His promise that one day, we will be reunited with our son.

I am learning little by little to be more patient.  I am learning to be more grateful.  I am learning to be a better mother to the son that I do have here on earth.  The things that once seemed so important, have little to no significance in the grand scheme of things.  I am learning to let go of the reins and to give God control.

As I do all of this I am reminded that had we not lost our son, changes in our lives would not have taken place.  It is time to give thanks to God, our creator.  Thank you God for the short, but sweet and precious time that you gave us with our son Dallas.  I know that he is in heaven and is completely perfect now.  Someday we will get to see him again.  Until then, I can rest easier knowing that he is in your kingdom now and gets to continually experience your love while he waits there to meet his family.  Thank you God for helping me keep my head above the water.  Thank you God for my friends and family that truly did their best to help me during my extended time of grief.

The Holy Spirit is kicking me into gear today!!

I have to get this down before I lose it. The most incredible thing just happened to me. Obviously God is calling me to lead a mission. On my way to work I was thinking about calling my church and talking to them about the nursery. I wanted to see if there were any items that they were in need of so that when I gather items in honor of Dallas in the next few months, I know what to ask for. Well as I was thinking about this, the announcer came on the radio for DMARC (DES moines area religious counsel--or better known as the food pantry) and how they are in need of some food donations. Almost instantly it hit me and I started thinking..." babies need food maybe I can gather formula." HERE is where it gets weird! If you don't think this was the Holy Spirit yelling at me then you are crazy lol! Right after I though about the formula supply issue, the announcer said that the biggest food shortage that DMARC is in need of is baby formula!!!! So I guess that settles it! I'm gathering baby formula in honor of my little Dallas. I can't wait to see how this turns out!

A baby story floods my tele

I have spent the entire morning watching a Baby Story and all of the other new baby shows on TLC.  I dont know why I do this to myself.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  It's almost like I live vicariously through these TV shows.  I love watching new babies come into the world and see the families all filled with so much joy.  Its a joy that I felt almost fourteen years ago when I delivered my one and only surviving child.  I wish I would have known then what I know now.  I would have soaked in every single experience.  I foolishly thought that I would go on to have many more children.  I was presumptuous just like every other woman.  I feel like I have breezed through my son's life.  I soaked in a lot, but not enough.  I feel like I missed out on so much.  I was young, and stupid. 

I love my son.  More than anything in this entire world.

On a side note,
My throat has been feeling scratchy on the right side all morning.  I cant wait for my 4 o'clock appointment .

I might need to FIGHT and I am terrified

It's funny, more ironic than funny really, how now that I am no longer smoking cigarettes I am terrified of developing cancer.  I was always a little worried when I smoked, but the thought never concerned me "enough."  When I got pregnant with my little Dallas I was already on the path of trying to quit so when my body started rejecting cigarettes (the smell and taste) I welcomed it with open arms as an opportunity to kick the habit for good.

I have been smoke free for over a year and it feels amazing.

However, over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing things in my throat that one can only explain as a possibly scare for throat cancer.  I have mentioned it out loud numerous times to friends and family and now I have finally taken the steps to determine what, if anything, is causing the abnormalities that I am experiencing.  I went to the Dr. today and I go to the ENT (ear nose and throat dr) tomorrow.  Hopefully I am able to rule out the potential risk of cancer.

I have a great uncle (not in my biological blood line) that died from cancer.  He developed the cancer not while he smoked, but after he quit.  This is the biggest reason I have always feared quitting. 

I prayed a lot, even shed a few tears this morning while I was in the Dr's office.  I prayed that God would make whatever it is I am going through NOT be cancer.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that God is not a genie.  He doesn't grant my wishes.  Sometimes He blesses me with things I have been hoping for, but He certainly is not here to grant me my desires and dreams...all of the time.  As hard as that is to swallow, the mere thought of developing cancer is far more frightening.  I know whatever the outcome is, that God will use me somehow to bring the greater good.  I also know that God will be with me in the hard times so I will be okay.  That should make it easier to deal with.  But honestly I struggle.  I have a 13 year old who I want so badly to live for.  I have nieces and nephews who all need me.  I don't want my mom to have to bury a child.  I want to marry and live to be old with Tyler.  I know that me and God were not seeing eye to eye on Dallas' outcome but I really hope he is on my brain wave with this one. 

IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it is curable.
If I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it has not and will not spread.
IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that He allows me to be cured.
If I do not have any cancer, I pray that He helps me find a doctor that can help me feel better.

Good morning Monday.

Our family completed alpha yesterday. I see many changes in Tyler especially. I am breathing a sigh of relief because our life is continually changing in a positive direction. God is pulling our hearts in His direction. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Tyler and Tanner serving God. I love my family so much!! Tyler shaved his face yesterday...lol...he looks like a little kid. First time I have seen him without facial hair!!

God's will for me is....still unknown

I think a lot about "where I was in life-this time last year"---especially lately. I think it is partially due to the fact that right around now I was newly expecting my bundle of joy. Fearfully walking into a pregnancy but confidently handing the results over to God. I put all of my trust into Him and believed He would bring my baby into my arms safely. What I realize now, that I didn't then...is that rather than following Gods will for me, I was asking Him to come to me and bless what I wanted for me. That is a hard pill to swallow. I want more than anything to have more children. I want to feel normal. I do not like feeling like a failure as a woman. I think the lesson here is that even though I am not perfect God loves me anyway. Not only does he love me, He has big plans for me. I can't wait. It brings me to tears to try and imagine what He is cooking up for my life. It must be incredible because all of the conditioning I have been experiencing is enough to create a champion :) So, with all of this being said...it is time to put one foot in front of the other and start marching to the beat of God's drum. Now, if only I knew what direction the noise was coming from....

It's raining outside so no one can see me cry

I woke up today feeling sad. I didn't shower (don't worry I don't smell.) I literally rolled out of bed, stumbled to the closet, grabbed the closest shirt- put it on and walked out the door. The shirt I chose was my "walk" shirt.

I prayed on the way to work for Tanner and his grades. I prayed that God would open my eyes and heart for what I need to see. And I thanked God for Dallas short but crucial existence.

A year ago, Tyler was still drinking heavy. I was miserable but I loved him so I tougher it out. I hated HATED hated Fridays.

Ever since we lost Dallas, Tyler has grown closer to God. His drinking has slowed WAY down (rarely ever gets drunk at all anymore in comparison to all week or weekend.)

It makes me wonder if Dallas was given to us, to change us...and bring us closer to God.
Only God knows...

Me and Tyler will soon be celebrating four years together. It's so hard to believe. He has made tremendous changes. I am so proud of him and all of his hard work.

I should also mention, that as I was stumbling around feeling sorry for myself, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on. Definitely put me in the mood for some tears! Cried my whole way to work...now it's make up time :)

I hate when my dreams...are dreams...

I just parked my car at work. I had to get my thoughts down before they escape. Yesterday I told my new boss "my story." I was ok with it all. I talked and didn't cry...I made it out of the conversation with out a tear shed. I'm fact I was rather proud of myself. I remember thinking during the conversation "wow look at you...talking about your son without crying! Way to go Wendy!!"

I had forgotten about my dream from last night until just moments ago. I suppose it was the effect to the cause (talking about my pregnancy.) I dreamt of being pregnant and feeling the baby move. The baby was only as big as Dallas was when he died. So tiny. Tyler was excited. I seemed to be too. Clearly this was only a dream because in reality, me and Ty would have been frightened. Not to mention the celibacy that we are practicing until we get married.

We desperately want children. We have a teenager and he really is the light in our hearts. We want to be able to share our love with more kids someday.

I can only hope that is God's plan for us. Until it is revealed we will continue to just trust that He will lead us where it is He wants us to go.