How it feels to be me, within my grief

When I run into people who know and they ask the simple, yet complicated phrase, "How are you" my heart wrenches to tell the truth.  But instead, to spare the other person from the uncomfortable awkwardness that is my reality, I lie, and say that "I am doing great" and thank them for asking.

The truth is, I'm not.  The truth is, I am learning a whole new normal.  The truth is, our lives will never be the same as they were before we became pregnant with our little Dallas.

Congratulating friends and family on their wonderful blessings is now bittersweet.  There is a twinge of guilt and jealousy with each new arrival.  Our son never got to be welcomed joyfully-at least not here on earth.

Walking down any particular isle at the store, especially one that is stocked with baby items instantly brings a flood of sadness.  My son will not be needing these.

Driving in a parking lot and passing the special "Mommy to be" spaces reserved for new and expectant mothers is a painful reminder of what we will never have.

As if having my son in an urn on special shelf is not hard enough, we also get numerous reminders throughout the month that our son is not with us.

Baby coupons. No Baby.
Baby magazines. No Baby.
One mommy, one daddy, one big brother.  No Baby.
Friends who didn't know. Awkward conversation. No Baby.
Stuffed monkey bought for baby. No Baby.
Feelings of guilt. No Baby.
Dreams of holding my son.  Wake up.  No Baby.
Medical bills from his delivery.  No Baby.
Empty arms.  No Baby.

 After my son died, I felt a pain much greater than I have ever experienced.  Within the storm of my grief, I found God to be more present than I would have ever imagined.   God clearly carried me during my darkest hours of grief.  When we hear the verse, "Jesus Wept" it is hard to imagine what it really means to weep.  Now, I know.

To weep is far greater than a simple cry that I knew as normal prior to losing our son.  For the first time in my life I also experienced it.  I wept.  It is a cry of sorrow, pain, anxiety, depression, and longing for answers.  To weep, you feel the cry deep within.  You not only shed tears of grief, but your entire body responds to the grief in the same manner.  I know that while I was weeping for the four straight months that followed my son's death, God was there.  He was whispering and continually showing His presence to let me know that we were being taken care of.  He made sure to offer us comfort and allowed us to find strength within His promise that one day, we will be reunited with our son.

I am learning little by little to be more patient.  I am learning to be more grateful.  I am learning to be a better mother to the son that I do have here on earth.  The things that once seemed so important, have little to no significance in the grand scheme of things.  I am learning to let go of the reins and to give God control.

As I do all of this I am reminded that had we not lost our son, changes in our lives would not have taken place.  It is time to give thanks to God, our creator.  Thank you God for the short, but sweet and precious time that you gave us with our son Dallas.  I know that he is in heaven and is completely perfect now.  Someday we will get to see him again.  Until then, I can rest easier knowing that he is in your kingdom now and gets to continually experience your love while he waits there to meet his family.  Thank you God for helping me keep my head above the water.  Thank you God for my friends and family that truly did their best to help me during my extended time of grief.

The Holy Spirit is kicking me into gear today!!

I have to get this down before I lose it. The most incredible thing just happened to me. Obviously God is calling me to lead a mission. On my way to work I was thinking about calling my church and talking to them about the nursery. I wanted to see if there were any items that they were in need of so that when I gather items in honor of Dallas in the next few months, I know what to ask for. Well as I was thinking about this, the announcer came on the radio for DMARC (DES moines area religious counsel--or better known as the food pantry) and how they are in need of some food donations. Almost instantly it hit me and I started thinking..." babies need food maybe I can gather formula." HERE is where it gets weird! If you don't think this was the Holy Spirit yelling at me then you are crazy lol! Right after I though about the formula supply issue, the announcer said that the biggest food shortage that DMARC is in need of is baby formula!!!! So I guess that settles it! I'm gathering baby formula in honor of my little Dallas. I can't wait to see how this turns out!

A baby story floods my tele

I have spent the entire morning watching a Baby Story and all of the other new baby shows on TLC.  I dont know why I do this to myself.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  It's almost like I live vicariously through these TV shows.  I love watching new babies come into the world and see the families all filled with so much joy.  Its a joy that I felt almost fourteen years ago when I delivered my one and only surviving child.  I wish I would have known then what I know now.  I would have soaked in every single experience.  I foolishly thought that I would go on to have many more children.  I was presumptuous just like every other woman.  I feel like I have breezed through my son's life.  I soaked in a lot, but not enough.  I feel like I missed out on so much.  I was young, and stupid. 

I love my son.  More than anything in this entire world.

On a side note,
My throat has been feeling scratchy on the right side all morning.  I cant wait for my 4 o'clock appointment .

I might need to FIGHT and I am terrified

It's funny, more ironic than funny really, how now that I am no longer smoking cigarettes I am terrified of developing cancer.  I was always a little worried when I smoked, but the thought never concerned me "enough."  When I got pregnant with my little Dallas I was already on the path of trying to quit so when my body started rejecting cigarettes (the smell and taste) I welcomed it with open arms as an opportunity to kick the habit for good.

I have been smoke free for over a year and it feels amazing.

However, over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing things in my throat that one can only explain as a possibly scare for throat cancer.  I have mentioned it out loud numerous times to friends and family and now I have finally taken the steps to determine what, if anything, is causing the abnormalities that I am experiencing.  I went to the Dr. today and I go to the ENT (ear nose and throat dr) tomorrow.  Hopefully I am able to rule out the potential risk of cancer.

I have a great uncle (not in my biological blood line) that died from cancer.  He developed the cancer not while he smoked, but after he quit.  This is the biggest reason I have always feared quitting. 

I prayed a lot, even shed a few tears this morning while I was in the Dr's office.  I prayed that God would make whatever it is I am going through NOT be cancer.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that God is not a genie.  He doesn't grant my wishes.  Sometimes He blesses me with things I have been hoping for, but He certainly is not here to grant me my desires and dreams...all of the time.  As hard as that is to swallow, the mere thought of developing cancer is far more frightening.  I know whatever the outcome is, that God will use me somehow to bring the greater good.  I also know that God will be with me in the hard times so I will be okay.  That should make it easier to deal with.  But honestly I struggle.  I have a 13 year old who I want so badly to live for.  I have nieces and nephews who all need me.  I don't want my mom to have to bury a child.  I want to marry and live to be old with Tyler.  I know that me and God were not seeing eye to eye on Dallas' outcome but I really hope he is on my brain wave with this one. 

IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it is curable.
If I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it has not and will not spread.
IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that He allows me to be cured.
If I do not have any cancer, I pray that He helps me find a doctor that can help me feel better.

Good morning Monday.

Our family completed alpha yesterday. I see many changes in Tyler especially. I am breathing a sigh of relief because our life is continually changing in a positive direction. God is pulling our hearts in His direction. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Tyler and Tanner serving God. I love my family so much!! Tyler shaved his face yesterday...lol...he looks like a little kid. First time I have seen him without facial hair!!

God's will for me is....still unknown

I think a lot about "where I was in life-this time last year"---especially lately. I think it is partially due to the fact that right around now I was newly expecting my bundle of joy. Fearfully walking into a pregnancy but confidently handing the results over to God. I put all of my trust into Him and believed He would bring my baby into my arms safely. What I realize now, that I didn't then...is that rather than following Gods will for me, I was asking Him to come to me and bless what I wanted for me. That is a hard pill to swallow. I want more than anything to have more children. I want to feel normal. I do not like feeling like a failure as a woman. I think the lesson here is that even though I am not perfect God loves me anyway. Not only does he love me, He has big plans for me. I can't wait. It brings me to tears to try and imagine what He is cooking up for my life. It must be incredible because all of the conditioning I have been experiencing is enough to create a champion :) So, with all of this being said...it is time to put one foot in front of the other and start marching to the beat of God's drum. Now, if only I knew what direction the noise was coming from....

It's raining outside so no one can see me cry

I woke up today feeling sad. I didn't shower (don't worry I don't smell.) I literally rolled out of bed, stumbled to the closet, grabbed the closest shirt- put it on and walked out the door. The shirt I chose was my "walk" shirt.

I prayed on the way to work for Tanner and his grades. I prayed that God would open my eyes and heart for what I need to see. And I thanked God for Dallas short but crucial existence.

A year ago, Tyler was still drinking heavy. I was miserable but I loved him so I tougher it out. I hated HATED hated Fridays.

Ever since we lost Dallas, Tyler has grown closer to God. His drinking has slowed WAY down (rarely ever gets drunk at all anymore in comparison to all week or weekend.)

It makes me wonder if Dallas was given to us, to change us...and bring us closer to God.
Only God knows...

Me and Tyler will soon be celebrating four years together. It's so hard to believe. He has made tremendous changes. I am so proud of him and all of his hard work.

I should also mention, that as I was stumbling around feeling sorry for myself, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on. Definitely put me in the mood for some tears! Cried my whole way to work...now it's make up time :)