The darkness seeps in

I'm suffering. I'm in a Dark hole. I have lost both of my sons. One to death the other to teenage-hood. I have no one. No purpose. No reason to be here. I need more than ever Lord for you to wrap me in your arms and make everything okay. I have always been loyal and faithful to you oh Lord so please show me your mercy. Please heal my broken heart...and womb... So that someday I too can carry a child to term and deliver a happy healthy baby. My heart cries out for my sons. Lord please give me a reason for living again. I feel so empty.

Sad night for us...

I never knew Tyler was as sad about Dallas as I am. he would have been a good daddy. just doesnt seem fair. Life is not fair. We both spent the night crying. All day and all night. I sure hope Dallas knows how loved he is! ! ! !

My life is a big, giant, enormous ball of confusion now

It has almost been two official weeks since our little Dallas came to us too early. My heart is still broken, but little by little we are piecing our lives back together. It will never be complete without him, but we are going to learn how to manage our life with him only as a could have been...
I had my gallbladder removed on Monday. I am in a tremendous amount of pain. The pain prevents me from crying over Dallas. I cant cry because it hurts too much. Literally. Maybe that is a good thing?

I am more IN LOVE with Tyler than I have ever been. He is a remarkable man. An incredible man. He has stood by my side through everything over the last two weeks. He hasnt budged. I will NEVER find a more loyal, loving, and concerned partner as I have found in him. I must marry him. I know I have had problems with his drinking...but that is literally THE ONLY problem I have with him. Everything else about him is incredible.

That being said. I am going to start talking to Tyler about our options. We will have a child of our own someday...even if I will not be able to carry it. I am thinking about potentially looking into surrogacy. It would give us a chance to have a baby of our own, without having to put my body at risk. I know that nothing will ever replace Dallas... the thing is...carrying him, I was shown how badly we both want a child together. I love Tyler so much and I want to be able to give him a child. I will, whether it be from my womb or not. Naturally, I want it to be. But suffering the loss of our sweet little boy, I dont know if I can endure the pain of that again. Dallas gave me hope. Now I dont know what to do.

Other than pray.

Dear Dallas,

My Dear Son Dallas,
Words can not express my grief. You gave me hope. Losing you, I feel as though I have lost everything. In the coming days I will be getting your urn back and be holding a funeral for you, but, I am not ready to accept that you really are gone...forever.
I know you are with God...and that helps somewhat... I am selfish though and wish you could be here with me instead.
I just wanted to write and tell you how much u truly love and adore you baby boy!!!

Some Blogs I created at work, an ODE to my sweet little son.

June 10, 2011

I am officially 16 weeks and 2 days along in this pregnancy. The thought alone has not quite hit me…or maybe it has. I just never really imagined that the day would come that I would actually be THIS far along in the pregnancy. I have had numerous losses and I had finally accepted that I was not meant to bear anymore children.

Tanner was it for me. I had accepted it and I was happy with it. He is my life. I would do anything for my baby boy, even though he is not much of a baby anymore. In fact, he is growing into quite the remarkable young man. He makes me so proud on almost a daily basis. It is so hard to believe that my baby boy will be a teenager this November. It is incredible how time really does fly by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking him into his preschool classroom, he was excited and bouncing down the hall while I was wiping away tears because I was not quite ready for him to be old enough for school. And here we are years later, he is entering the 7^th grade, trying to date girls, playing explicit video games, and acting more and more like an adult with each passing day. And yet, this momma is proud. I know that the next year is going to be bringing some very big changes for the both of us, but I am confident that through everything he will still remain to be the same sweet, honest, and respectable young man that I have raised him to be.

After my son turns into a teenager, we will be welcoming a new baby into our family. Whether it is a boy or girl does not matter, all that matters is that it is healthy and happy. This will be an incredibly large transition for both of us. My only priority has been Tanner. He has been the sole reason for every breath that I take for the last 13 years. I am not quite sure how either of us will be responding or reacting to me having to share my attention, but I am sure that we will adjust accordingly. I foresee it being a little harder for him then for me, but I will do my best to make sure that he still understands and believes that he remains to be my pride and joy. The reason I lost so many babies in the past was because I wanted so desperately to give Tanner a brother or sister to grow up with. However, God clearly had other intentions. It makes perfect sense to me now, but when it happened it didn’t…obviously. Tanner’s dad gave him siblings since I couldn’t. This baby is not coming to us for Tanner, but rather, it is coming for me.

I love my son so much. God knows this. When my son leaves the nest I will likely have a mental breakdown and be locked up in a mental ward. I will have no purpose any longer…well that may be a little drastic, but all in all, somewhat close to my future reality. Either way, when college comes, this mommy bear is not going to do very well. Never fear! God has answered my prayers. I will have this new little bundle of joy to help distract me. This child will never take Tanner’s place, however it will be able to help me accept that my son is very quickly growing into a man and I am going to need to let go of the reins, a little bit, and soon. Besides, with my focus shifting a little bit from Tanner and on to this baby, hopefully I will be able to give Tanner a little bit more freedom and let up on the “strict-ness” that he so desires.

June 24, 2011

Well, as it stands today I am 18 weeks and 3 days. The last week has served as an extreme faith tester, but never fear! My faith and hope remain strong! Last Saturday (6/18/11) I had an appointment with an ultrasound company to find out if my little bundle was going to be a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, baby was shy and only wanted to show off the pretty little toes. The ultrasound tech advised me I was dehydrated and insisted that I start drinking a lot of fluid.

I was in pain all night due to the ultrasound. I think she pressed too hard.

The next day I was able to walk minimally, however for dinner I made the fatal error of eating my mom’s lasagna. Almost instantaneously my upper abdomen began to throb with a pain that was too intense for me to handle. My mom then forced me to go to the hospital. The admitting nurse knew immediately what was wrong and made the prediction that I was having a gallbladder attack. She did not even “waste” her time checking on the baby because she was for certain that it was not the baby, but was instead just my gallbladder. After I took some vicodin and the pain did not subside, they sent me to see another Dr who ordered both an abdomen and a uterine ultra sound.

The first ultra sound was very alarming. It showed that I was not dehydrated, but that the baby’s amniotic fluid was very low. I then got admitted for the night and hooked up to an IV to possibly help add some fluid into my system.

There are three possible scenarios as to why my little one has low fluid.

· Option One: Baby’s kidneys or lungs are not working/developing properly.

· Option Two: I have developed the parvovirus which can potentially negatively impact the baby. If I have- I will just need close monitoring to see how baby responds to the virus.

· Option Three: I have not been taking in enough fluids, which has caused low fluids for baby. Increasing my fluid intake- a fluid diet- should help increase baby amniotic fluid.

Either way, options one and two are not desirable. Well neither is three really, but out of the three options, number three is the most optimal.

June 24, 2011

A Letter To My Baby:

Dear Baby,

You are the apple in my eye. I can’t wait to meet you, hug you, snuggle you, kiss you, smell you, hear your cry, hear your coo, and watch you grow. I am only halfway to meeting you. Soon enough my dear, not too soon though okay? I want you to try your best to stay put until your body is ready for this world. In just a couple of days I will get to have my 2^nd level ultra sound and will hopefully get to find out if you are a boy or a girl. I will also hopefully find out that your amniotic fluid has increased. Your fluid was low about two weeks ago and mommy has been on an all fluid diet to try to help you. It has been rough but it is all worth it. Again, I just wanted to write to you and thank you for fighting so hard to live, also to tell you how much I am already in love with you. I can wait to meet you - - but just until your body is ready.

Love Mommy.

P.S. You will be so spoiled! Mommy, Daddy, and big brother Tanner will all make sure that you have the happiest life any child could ask for. You will be so luck and we will all be blessed to have you in our lives!

Names we are considering:

Boys: Dallas

Willie

Girls: Lillian Faith

Ava Grace

July 1st, 2011

I am nervous. I know I shouldn’t be but I am. My appointment that is going to let me know what the status of my pregnancy is coming up in just four days!

Today, I am 19 weeks…but by then, I will be 20. I can hardly believe it myself. Every time I think about it “Wow I am ___weeks along” I feel like it is a dream and I should pinch myself to wake up. I have really made it here. Yet I am not “out of the woods” quite yet.

The baby is not considered viable in the medical world until I am at minimum of 24 weeks. That is still a whole entire month to go. It is not that I fear going into preterm labor (even though I do slightly have that concern primarily because of what I saw Wookie go through) it is more that I fear that my child will not be able to develop at the speed and pace that it should because of the low fluids.

I am trying to help the little one the best I can. Drink, drink, drink! I even drink my dinner. It is a bit extreme but it is helping me believe that I really am making a difference for my child.

On Tuesday, July 5^th, I will learn of my child’s situation. Will he be a he, or will he be a she? Will the lungs and kidneys be functioning, will the fluid have increased enough to be considered “safe”…I have so many questions and so few answers. That will all change on Tuesday.

I am anxious. I am nervous. I am scared.

I am hopeful. I am excited. I am ready.

To know the truth.

May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

The courage to change the things I can.

AND the wisdom to know the difference!