Get out of my ureta already!

Mollie made it home safely a few hours ago, she had to pull over in the middle of the night and take a quick snooze. I am glad she did that. Thank you Lord for guiding her back to Texas safely.

On another note, I spent 6 hours in the emergency room today. Found out that I have a kidney stone that is attempting to expel itself out of my body. It is incredibly excruciating. The pain is on the right side, and to be honest...I thought it was another ectopic (since I am 27days late!!!) However, I have had ten negative pregnancy tests so it is safe to say...that I really am not pregnant. I just have something weird going on with my reproductive system. I will be going to see a doctor about it soon.

Well, that is all I want to write for now...my side hurts too much to continue writing.

Middle of May

I feel very sad. Very empty. My best friend of 16, almost 17 years just left my house and is now in route to someplace in Texas that she now calls home. I have been so lucky. I was able to spend the last several days with her, and now...she is gone. Not for good, I will see her again...but for now I am really depressed about her departure. Have you ever had that friend that always "understands you," that regardless of life's curve balls is always there, that even if you dont talk for years...you know in your heart that they will be your friend always...well for me that is her. Seeing her was not only great and fabulous, but it also reminded me of what we all lost a few months ago. For her, it is her mother. For me, it is my friend. It's so hard to think about anything right now other than the fact that "Aunt Becky" as my son called her, is gone for good. I thank God that He has brought my best friend back to Iowa...if even for a visit. I know how hard this visit was for her. She handled it well. This was the first time I was in her mother's house without her mother being there though. It was exceptionally hard for me. I think I cried a good portion of the weekend...and tonight as well. She left Iowa about twenty minutes ago, and God, PLEASE help guide her back to Texas safely. She is tired. She should have napped. Please give her the strength emotionally and physically to make a safe journey.

I just read a blog, and it moved me

It is crazy how much we all take life for granted. I spent the last hour reading a woman's blog. I do not know this woman, have never met her, have never spoken to her, and until this morning did not even know that she exists. I am a member of many grief support websites. Mostly for my own grief that I have experienced, but also for my sisters who have also lost babies. My and my middle sister have had miscarriages, I have had seven, she has had one. My youngest sister, has had to bury a baby. The pain of losing a child, regardless of age in gestation is real. From the moment we conceive we begin planning, nesting, imagining what life is going to be like with our little bundle of joy, and most of all, we begin loving our child. I find myself lucky that I had so many miscarriages in comparison to having to bury a child. I would rather go through the pain of not being able to hold them rather than getting to hold them, feel them, smell them, and then bury them. I was very moved by the woman's blog that I read. Although the doctors were pressuring her to terminate her pregnancy because her baby had anencephaly (which I had never heard of until today...is a condition that lacks the skull and brain.) She was told that her baby would not survive and they would not do anything to help her daughter. There was no hope for her, but she still had faith in God. She named her daughter Faith Hope, which I thought was absolutely beautiful. Even in a time where her faith in God could have been tested, she still stood firm in her beliefs. Her baby lived for over three months. The doctors said that she had no brain...but the mother posted many many many videos of her miracle angel, and that little girl cooed, she cried, she smiled...how could they say there was no brain? I think doctors really do not understand all that there is to know about the human body. How could they? They did not create it. God is gracious and God is good. God gave that beautiful little girl three months with her loving family. I was just so amazed at how strong the mother was that I had to write about it. It was a beautiful story. I was brought to tears a couple of times when reading the blog, but I could see in so many ways, just how much that baby was loved. Thank you very reading my blog, but mostly, thank you for letting me read yours. I am very moved by your faith in God.

The fast approaching Mother's holiday

It's coming a lot faster than I want it to. Mother's day signifies the anniversary to the one time that the love of my life betrayed my trust and committed the worst crime in the realm of relationships....he was unfaithful. Although it will be two full years...I should be celebrating the fact that the incident is behind us....but I am reminded annually that he did...for that one moment two years ago....he was willing to throw it all away.
Luckily we have worked through it, but to be completely honest, I do not think I will ever be completely over it. It's hard to trust him. Even though I want to, that one incident always lingers in the back of my mind...what if it happens again...

On another note, this will be my baby sister's first mother's day. She should be able to hold her baby and be grateful that she is a mother, but sadly she will be remembering exactly what she lost just two months ago. My mom was going to purchase her a charm or a necklace. I think that will help ease some of her heartache on this dreadful man made holiday.

My son is eleven...and I can almost guarantee that he will probably bring me something cute home from school. What I would really like would be for everyone to get along, everyone to help me with some of the unpacking that we still have left to do, and lastly, everyone to let me sleep in past 8am. Man I would love for the opportunity to sleep in until noon...those were the days!

Hopefully my mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, mother in law, and sister in law all have a fabulous Mother's Day...lets add me in there too...I would like a good one too LOL

Past, Present, and Future

This is the first time that I am sitting down to blog in a very, very, very long time. This particular day brings me great joy as I sit and think about all of the blessings life has to offer.

For starters, I am still enrolled in school, my GPA is 3.72, and the classes just seem to get easier and easier as time goes on. Do not get me wrong, I definitely have my challenges, but, with a little persistence I am pulling it off. I can not wait to have my degree and finally begin to make some decent money for a change.

My son is now eleven. This is a hard age for me to understand. He is directly in between being a little kid in elementary and being an adolescent who has his own opinions and decisions on the way things in his life need to be handled. As a mother, I am both saddened by his growing up, and excited about the new journeys we are both about to embark upon.

For years, I have tried to have another child. I wanted to give my son a sibling to grow up with, but after seven miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy I have finally give up on that dream. I have accepted the fact that he will be my oldest and only. Luckily, my younger siblings are able to give me nieces and nephews so I am able to live vicariously through them.

I will say, I am a little anxious for my cycle to start this month. I am about two weeks late, but I have taken three negative tests...so I know that it is coming....soon I hope. I do not want to endure another loss. I know that the pain is supposed to make me a stronger woman, but how much pain is too much before I break into hysteria?

My baby sister was due to give birth to a healthy baby boy next month, but in February he was born early and grew his angel wings within 29 minutes. Burying him, and watching the grief that has poured over my sister since has given me a sense of gratitude to God for taking my babies as early as he did. I still harbor a lot of pain for each of my children, and now I have another heartache for my nephew. We held him, we kissed him, we loved him, and he still died. I do not think that I would have been as strong as my sister. I know that I would probably have to be in a hospital with a mental breakdown. Regardless of our pain, God still has his arms around us.

I am sure that God has plans for each of us, and sometimes it is hard to not question his reasoning. I remember something we were told right after my nephews passing. We can only see the present so things may not make sense to us. God sees the entire picture. Past, present, and the future. He knows what He is doing and there is a plan in action for each of us. I pray that His plan for me is that I will not have to endure the loss of another child, mine...or not. I pray that my sister will have a healthy and full term pregnancy when she is ready. I pray that my son has a great experience for the last few weeks of elementary and that middle school goes easy for him.