Past, Present, and Future

This is the first time that I am sitting down to blog in a very, very, very long time. This particular day brings me great joy as I sit and think about all of the blessings life has to offer.

For starters, I am still enrolled in school, my GPA is 3.72, and the classes just seem to get easier and easier as time goes on. Do not get me wrong, I definitely have my challenges, but, with a little persistence I am pulling it off. I can not wait to have my degree and finally begin to make some decent money for a change.

My son is now eleven. This is a hard age for me to understand. He is directly in between being a little kid in elementary and being an adolescent who has his own opinions and decisions on the way things in his life need to be handled. As a mother, I am both saddened by his growing up, and excited about the new journeys we are both about to embark upon.

For years, I have tried to have another child. I wanted to give my son a sibling to grow up with, but after seven miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy I have finally give up on that dream. I have accepted the fact that he will be my oldest and only. Luckily, my younger siblings are able to give me nieces and nephews so I am able to live vicariously through them.

I will say, I am a little anxious for my cycle to start this month. I am about two weeks late, but I have taken three negative tests...so I know that it is coming....soon I hope. I do not want to endure another loss. I know that the pain is supposed to make me a stronger woman, but how much pain is too much before I break into hysteria?

My baby sister was due to give birth to a healthy baby boy next month, but in February he was born early and grew his angel wings within 29 minutes. Burying him, and watching the grief that has poured over my sister since has given me a sense of gratitude to God for taking my babies as early as he did. I still harbor a lot of pain for each of my children, and now I have another heartache for my nephew. We held him, we kissed him, we loved him, and he still died. I do not think that I would have been as strong as my sister. I know that I would probably have to be in a hospital with a mental breakdown. Regardless of our pain, God still has his arms around us.

I am sure that God has plans for each of us, and sometimes it is hard to not question his reasoning. I remember something we were told right after my nephews passing. We can only see the present so things may not make sense to us. God sees the entire picture. Past, present, and the future. He knows what He is doing and there is a plan in action for each of us. I pray that His plan for me is that I will not have to endure the loss of another child, mine...or not. I pray that my sister will have a healthy and full term pregnancy when she is ready. I pray that my son has a great experience for the last few weeks of elementary and that middle school goes easy for him.