I wish I didnt, but I did....

I feel so terrible right now. My brother is one of the most important people in the world to me. He wants so badly to have a beautiful, christian, good spirited woman. I really and truly thought that I had found someone perfect for him. It seemed like it was a great match. Apparently, I was wrong, and now my brother is hurting. I let this into his life and I feel terrible for it. How could my friend just dismiss such a wonderful man like that? Yes, he has his flaws, but they are minimal. He is a phenomenal person and ANY woman would be lucky to have such a wonderful person. I am sad. I wish things would have worked out, but as it seems, she is just dismissing him like he was not important to her at all. It hurts my feelings to see him hurting so much. He thinks I set him up with her just to chase away his ex. Entirely not true. I genuinely thought that she would be good for him. And good to him. I was wrong. I wont ever try to hook my brother up with someone again because I do not want to be responsible for his hurt. It makes me mad that she would do this to him, yet she is my friend. :-(
Where do I go from here?

Pleading for Grace

It's Monday. No one likes Monday. Except for me. Monday symbolizes so much more than the start of the work week to me. For me it is the first day of a four day stretch of sobriety for Tyler. Which essentially means I will have four days without being yelled at and will not get verbally assaulted for a while. I can breath now and momentarily let my guard down. This is no way to live. I need God's grace more than ever. I am searching in places I know better than to go, looking for positive attention. I know I will not find love in those arms, yet I continually pursue. Lord please please please give me the strength to follow my heart only. I am yours Lord. Use me for your will. I follow you. Lord please speak to my heart and guide me where you want me to go.

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The month of doom is fast approaching

Sitting in my car on the way to work I get plenty of time for reflections. My path regularly passes the cemetery that Grandpa and Nathan were laid to rest. It breaks my heart that I drive past them everyday and have not had time to visit them since last memorial day. In all fairness there was construction last summer and I do work a busy schedule. It is nearing the one year anniversary that Nathan was born and met Jesus as well as the eleventh anniversary that Grandpa passed. The month of February is fast becoming a month that our family would like removed from the calendar. My aunt and uncle were also killed in a fire on the 21st 30years ago. Tyler dad died on the14th and his step dad on the 17th. I can guarantee yet again I will be pushed aside on Valentines day. At least I don't really have to get excited for anything....

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Trying to find a way...

It is so strange that two days have passed since I found my dad gallevanting with another woman and the more I think about it....the more my stomach turns. I am handing this trouble to God and praying that He does what is best for my family. My family has been in shambles for a couple of years and with the reunity of my parents I had some hope that our family was going to make a turn for the best. Now I have no clue. I love my dad so much and I hurt to see what he single handedly has done....again. I know God will take care of my family. I just need to have strength in the Lord and solidify my strength in my faith. God blesses us and so often we look over it...not anymore. I am going to work very hard to completely eliminate the things in my life that takes me away from my faith and my family. First to go...the casino. God has blessed me with a job and instead of saving money to provide my son a home he can call his own...I have gambled. No more. My son will have a home. Very soon. I am also no longer going to utilize the computer unless my son is in bed for the night. It's time. If I start to handle my life differently hopefully my family will also start to emulate me...and they too will be blessed. Thank you Lord for all of your Grace.

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Well thanks but no thanks...

Midnight, two hours ago, my family broke up for the second time...well not officially, but it will happen.
Shane, Mindy, and I all took a sibling trip down to the casino. We were destined to be there...obviously if one is destined to be somewhere the casino would be one great place for it to be! You would think with that statement that one of us hit the jackpot or that we at least won an incredible amount of money. That just isn't the case.
In fact, Mindy was devastatingly broke, Shane was down twenty, and I had pumped in yet another HUNDRED to no avail. I wanted to take more money out, but Mindy was ready to go. It was time.
As we exited the casino, we seen a truck pull into the same spot my dad always parks in. It was far away, so we couldn't really be sure that it was him. Shane was certain. We walked towards his truck so we could say hi when a female got out of the truck and headed towards the casino...and it was NOT my mother. Naturally, I couldn't resist the temptation to yell...
Needless to say, my dad and I exchanged some words and we all stormed off to my car while he headed in to the casino.
Shane and Mindy sat in the car telling me how it was none of my business and how we should just leave because Dad already knows that he was busted, but it just is not in my nature to just sit back and watch people around me intentionally hurt other people. I mean, at SOME MOMENT it HAD to cross his mind that what he was doing was wrong?! Yet he kept right on walking, no turning back.
I couldn't just sit back and keep my mouth shut so I walked in to the casino, and gave him a second dose of my opinion. This time I told him I didn't appreciate how he was doing my mom dirty like that, how he had no business running around with a tweeker and how I expected him to tell my mom what he was doing. He told me that he would tell her himself and that he wanted me to leave him alone so that he could enjoy what few moments he had left at the casino....
To rub salt into my wound, on the way home I recalled just a week prior when he spoke of how taking a woman to the casino was bad luck....when referring to Mindy and me. Well apparently Karma, if there is such a thing, just came up and bit him in the ass.
I know right now I need to lean on God, and this is one of those situations where the serenity prayer really needs to be replayed over and over and over again in my heart.
GOD
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
To courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Praise God

The stronger my faith becomes the more I am coming to terms with the acceptance of the ending of my relationship with Tyler. I need to walk a better path in order to fill my heart with the joy of the Lord. If Tyler wanted God as much as I do this would not be an issue. But the truth remains...he does not want anyone or anything but booze. This saddens me. A lot. I want so badly for him to Turn his life around and start living for Christ. I have prayed for change which now I know is somewhat selfish. I want Tyler to change so that I can keep my life how it is. Change is hard. I now realize it is me that needs to change. I need to get rid of the things in my life that pull me away from my walk with God. Cigarettes. Anger. Food in the extreme. And now Tyler. I adore him. However....we are not meant to be. It is not my job to change him. He needs to want change in order for it to happen and he sees no problem. I'm miserable because his alcoholism consumes MY life. I'm done. I give in. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can bot change. The COURAGE to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

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