Being the parent of a teenager is rough sometimes...

I am sitting in the cafeteria...it appears a lot of my thoughts come to me most when I am sitting at lunch...interestingly enough.

The more I blog, the better I feel...sometimes. I noticed that I am increasingly becoming stressed out the closer and closer we get to Christmas. I broke down last night again. I think it was because my 13 year old son has finally reached the age where his mom is no longer "cool." It depressed me...especially when I recalled how I felt earlier this year when this realization was just beginning to set in. Except back then, I was comforted knowing that although Tanner would no longer like his mom or want his mom involved, there would be a new baby that would need me...so it was all going to be okay. I would not hurt as bad...

Then I lost Dallas and I am still in the "not cool mom" category so I find myself up a creek without a paddle.
Bummer.

I need to find something that Tanner and I will be able to do...something in common...so that he will want to be around me again. It used to be just me and him. For years that is all that either of us knew. Now we have a family and Tanner is a teenager.

Who knew parenting could be this rough?

Tyler kindly pointed out to me last night that by the age of 13 he was really rude to his mom and treated her poorly but he still loved her. He reminded me of this because Tanner is NOT disrespectful, he is NOT mouthy, he is NOT tempermental, or dishonest. I am lucky. I am blessed. My teenager is one of a kind and truly is a rare gem...and for that I AM THANKFUL.

Thank you God for my teenager. Thank you God for all the wonderful years you have given to both of us, and hopefully many more. Thank you God for all of our blessings...we have so many.

A word from the wise many moons ago

It is officially four days until Christmas. Dallas' first Christmas. I wish my baby boy was here to celebrate it with me. I wish I was able to stuff his stocking full of goodies. Instead I have a tiny stocking for him hung up on the tree. It allows me to keep him involved without seeming too weird to my friends and family that come over. Which is basically no one because we have no visitors LOL. I know that Dallas is having a wonderful time in Heaven. He isn't missing out by any means...we are though. I try not to look at it that way...but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I hear news about other people having their babies or getting pregnant.

I wish things were effortless for me like they are for them.

Envy is a bad thing.

How do I teach myself to not be envious. These women all have something that I desperately want. The ability to carry, and give birth to a healthy and happy baby. I yearn for that. My heart breaks because I know that I am not going to be able to do this...not in this lifetime. I know that I need to give up, hand it over to God, and accept any and everything that he lays in my path.

I am trying. It is hard.

I am a work in progress.

A friend of mine sat down for lunch together a few weeks after I said good bye to Dallas. She is very spiritual and loves God with ALL of her mind, body, and spirit. She has a deeper rooted faith than I have seen in many people. I love her and cherish her friendship. She said to me that day... "God's got a plan for you girl. He is going to have you do BIG things."

Oddly enough, the BIG things statement has been what has helped to keep my head about the water. Whenever I think about how I am drowning in my own grief, I remember what Amy said to me that day and I am reminded that all of this that I am going through right now is only temporary. He is molding me and is laying the groundwork for things to come. I just need to have faith and believe that good things will come.

I was the lucky one...

Christmas is in less than a week. Earlier this year, I was for certain that by this time of year I would be holding my infant son, wiped out exhausted from the lack of sleep, and happy. Good thing I never became a fortune teller LOL. I would owe a lot of refunds hahaha.

I have been thinking a lot about my little Dallas. I hope that someday I can make him proud. Whatever the reason was that he was sent to me, I am honored to have been the one to have got to carry him for as long as I did...however...I feel like there was something more that I am missing.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that I should be pursuing adoption...however... until Tyler and I have become husband and wife, I feel we need to just wait. I want the Lord to bless us so we have also abstained from "relations" and will continue to abstain until we are married. Regardless if we are blessed with a child of our own, or not...if we adopt, or not...if we choose to find other options, or not...I want to be able to see it as a blessing. I want to be able to sit back, and truly thank God for all that He has done in our lives. I do thank Him, daily...but that is not exactly what I mean.

I want to be able to look back five year from now, read these blogs, and see what miraculous things God used me for now...to get me to where I will be then. I can't wait to reflect back on all of this, and thank Him for all of it. Even the bad. I know I am hurting right now, and healing...but there will come a day when I can talk about Dallas and not feel shattered. I know some day that I will be able to talk to a woman who will be walking in the shoes that I am in, I will be able to give her advice, and show her how to be strong. It is not easy and I by no means feel strong, but I feel like I am beginning to heal.

Only time will tell.
I still have his first birthday to go. I think I am going to have my friends and family get together to celebrate his first birthday. We will be buying age appropriate gifts and donating them to a child or organization in need. I think it is the best way I can honor my little boy. I loved him so much in such a short time...I sure hope he knows how lucky I felt just to be his momma.

The monkey stands alone

I have my ups...way more ups then before...and I have my downs. Most of today was good, but then it hit me. We had a stuffed monkey in place if our son in our family picture. :(. I know God needed him more...I just wish sometimes God would take negotiations... LOL Dallas was my baby... And my heart had been shattered ever since he was called home. Tyler has truly been amazing. So has tanner. They are both so patient with me while I go through my erratic mood swings, temperamental tantrums, and emotional roller coasters. If I were them, I would leave me! They stand by me...and love me...and nurture my heart. Thank you God for them!!!!!!