A word from the wise many moons ago

It is officially four days until Christmas. Dallas' first Christmas. I wish my baby boy was here to celebrate it with me. I wish I was able to stuff his stocking full of goodies. Instead I have a tiny stocking for him hung up on the tree. It allows me to keep him involved without seeming too weird to my friends and family that come over. Which is basically no one because we have no visitors LOL. I know that Dallas is having a wonderful time in Heaven. He isn't missing out by any means...we are though. I try not to look at it that way...but sometimes it is hard. Especially when I hear news about other people having their babies or getting pregnant.

I wish things were effortless for me like they are for them.

Envy is a bad thing.

How do I teach myself to not be envious. These women all have something that I desperately want. The ability to carry, and give birth to a healthy and happy baby. I yearn for that. My heart breaks because I know that I am not going to be able to do this...not in this lifetime. I know that I need to give up, hand it over to God, and accept any and everything that he lays in my path.

I am trying. It is hard.

I am a work in progress.

A friend of mine sat down for lunch together a few weeks after I said good bye to Dallas. She is very spiritual and loves God with ALL of her mind, body, and spirit. She has a deeper rooted faith than I have seen in many people. I love her and cherish her friendship. She said to me that day... "God's got a plan for you girl. He is going to have you do BIG things."

Oddly enough, the BIG things statement has been what has helped to keep my head about the water. Whenever I think about how I am drowning in my own grief, I remember what Amy said to me that day and I am reminded that all of this that I am going through right now is only temporary. He is molding me and is laying the groundwork for things to come. I just need to have faith and believe that good things will come.