Officially moving on, I think...

It is Sunday. Sunday after thanksgiving. My new nephew Mason will be a week old tomorrow. I still haven't met him, but I will. I am just going out of my way to do so. My due date has come and gone. I haven't cried in a week. Explain that?! There is only one clear, concise explanation as to why I have been strong in my weakest hours. God. Many have prayed, including myself. The Lord has held me up in the times where I was unable to hold myself. I think now that I have made it past the due date I cab start moving on. I hope. I love my son Dallas but it is time I get myself together and move forward for my son Tanner. My boys mean the world to me and I am worthless if all I do is mope and cry. Time to start smiling again...

Getting closer and closer

The last several weeks have served to be rather trying to both my patience and my faith. I am pushing forward and hanging on for dear life. I know that if I just cling tighter, God will provide me with the strength that I need to carry on with life...after Dallas. In less than an hour it will be the day that Towera goes in for her induction. I wish I could say I am excited. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I am happy for her. My problem is not with her, my problem is with me. My reminders of what I have lost. I dont understand what is different between Dallas and my previous miscarriages, but by far there has been a drastic increase in the amount of pain that my broken heart has endured. I hate how I feel. I am clinging to life on a daily basis in an intense amount of grief. Every day I cry. I take that back--every day I do not cry, I weep. My son should have met me on Wednesday. Instead, my sweet baby will have to wait a very long time hopefully before he gets to meet me. I hope he knows how much I love him. Several members in my family have commented on "how I need counseling" to better "deal" with Dallas' death. On one hand, they are probably right. Losing my baby boy was the single most painful thing I have ever endured. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my friends have been no where to be seen since I lost my baby. So basically I am dealing with my intense amount of grief alone. Well I am not REALLY alone. I DO have Tyler and my mom and grandma Dennis. I just wish instead of telling me that I need counseling, people would just let me talk about my son. I know that I don't have memories to share, but I did have an incredible love for him. That should count for something. I was so excited for him, and when I got the news that things were not right, my world was crushed. I have been doing a 30 days of gratitude count down, ending On my due date. Since dallas is dead, it seems silly To some people to fixate on the date he was supposed to be born. To me it makes perfect sense. I want to honor my baby. I want to show God most of all that i appreciate everything that i DO have. Four months have passed. Not a day goes my that I don't think about my son. My life will never be the same...