Brighter days ahead!

It's 1am, I'm still wide awake, obviously. I got the shirts ordered for the walk. I am going to post the draft, and hopefully later I remember to post the final product. Things are getting a little easier, day by day. I am realizing now more than ever just how much God loves me. The way He has comforted me in my grief, amazes me! He knows just what I need, when I need it. I am so thankful for everything. I am starting to come to terms with losing Dallas. I am sad, but I am finally accepting that this is how it is. He is gone, for now. I once wrote Dallas a letter...right before he died actually. In the letter I told him how much I loved him(or her) and how I could wait to meet them until they were healthy enough to live. I said that I wanted them to stay put... Hindsight is 20/20. It's ironic. I wanted him then, but wanted to wait to see him. I miss him now, and hope that it is a long time before I see him again. Hopefully I have a lot of time left on my clock. I am in no rush. He is with Jesus, safe, happy, and healthy! We will meet again, someday. I have also started to try to open up my heart to my pregnant friends again. It's taking time, and although it stings a little still, I can feel myself finding joy for them again. God bless them. I wish little Dallas could have been here, but since he isn't, it is time that this momma start to move on with life. Enough of this dark cloud of depression already! Time for life to perk up! Time for that beautiful sun to start showering me with rays of joy again! Thank you Lord for every blessing, and trial, you have given me. Without them, who knows where I would be.

Today is a rough one...

Sitting in the lunchroom, alone, should provide me with plenty of time to sit and think. My least favorite thing to do anymore. Three months ago, moments like this were welcomed. I would often find myself daydreaming of my baby. I was so excited to be pregnant, even though it was a rough road, I was grateful for it. Now as I sit, all I can think of is the bitterness that consumes me. I am bitter and angry because I missed my opportunity to have another baby. I am jealous of my friends who are carrying on, yet I am thankful that they get to. It's a strange place to be in, my shoes that is. I'm confused of how exactly I really feel...yet I know exactly how I feel! Moving forward, my car started to act up last weekend so I called my mom in a panic. She kindly mentioned to me that recently she was watching a Joyce Meyer sermon in the morning before work. The topic of the sermon: people who are put here to suffer to teach the rest of us lessons. My mom mentioned to me that maybe I am one of those people. I instantly broke down into a sobbing mess of destruction. If that is true, and I really am ONLY here to suffer, then what the heck is the point of being here? Surely He has better plans for me then that?! I am not perfect by any means but I strive to be the best I can, I am honest, and loyal, and true. I have always held on to my faith, especially in the hard and dark times in my life. Surely He did not put me here just so I can suffer for others sakes. I struggle with that concept quite a bit actually. Especially on days like today where the emotional suffer is to the max. I cry myself to work every day, if I am not on the phone after work I will cry myself home from work too. I hysterically cry myself to sleep at least once or twice a week. I choke up at the mere mention of my sweet Dallas or anything that could remind me of him. I am struggling daily just to wake up, paint on a happy face, move on with life, and be the mom that Tanner needs. Being consumed with losing Dallas has changed me, and definitely not for the better. Carrying him changed me for the better, losing him has broken my heart.

2 months and counting, the tears keep on coming...

It's been just over 2 months since I lost Dallas. Tomorrow will be 2 month since his funeral. They say time heals all wounds, I call their bluff. Perhaps my situation is rare, perhaps it is the norm. I cry daily, sometimes twice, sometimes all day. I think of my son and what he could have been and how he would have looked. How he and I would have had such a strong love and how well behaved he would have been. Smart too. I also think of God and how grateful I am for His love. I am comforted knowing that my son is with Him and I will get to see both of them someday. Honestly, I pray daily asking for guidance. Where does He want me to be? Am I to give up my hopes and dreams of having another baby? I think so. That is the one thing that has held me back from fully following Christ. Maybe this is the lesson. Who knows? If I quit yearning for a baby and trust that He really does have bigger plans for me than I do for myself, I wonder what it would be like. I had pretty much given up, and then along came Dallas. Carrying him renewed my hopes and dreams of having more children. Did I carry him for that reason? To renew my yearning? Lord I need your direction here more than ever. Do I continue trying for another child, or do I throw in the towel. Either way, I need to trust that you will lead me to where it is you want me to be. Lord please open my heart to hear your instructions for my life. Lead me where you want me, I will follow.