Today is a rough one...

Sitting in the lunchroom, alone, should provide me with plenty of time to sit and think. My least favorite thing to do anymore. Three months ago, moments like this were welcomed. I would often find myself daydreaming of my baby. I was so excited to be pregnant, even though it was a rough road, I was grateful for it. Now as I sit, all I can think of is the bitterness that consumes me. I am bitter and angry because I missed my opportunity to have another baby. I am jealous of my friends who are carrying on, yet I am thankful that they get to. It's a strange place to be in, my shoes that is. I'm confused of how exactly I really feel...yet I know exactly how I feel! Moving forward, my car started to act up last weekend so I called my mom in a panic. She kindly mentioned to me that recently she was watching a Joyce Meyer sermon in the morning before work. The topic of the sermon: people who are put here to suffer to teach the rest of us lessons. My mom mentioned to me that maybe I am one of those people. I instantly broke down into a sobbing mess of destruction. If that is true, and I really am ONLY here to suffer, then what the heck is the point of being here? Surely He has better plans for me then that?! I am not perfect by any means but I strive to be the best I can, I am honest, and loyal, and true. I have always held on to my faith, especially in the hard and dark times in my life. Surely He did not put me here just so I can suffer for others sakes. I struggle with that concept quite a bit actually. Especially on days like today where the emotional suffer is to the max. I cry myself to work every day, if I am not on the phone after work I will cry myself home from work too. I hysterically cry myself to sleep at least once or twice a week. I choke up at the mere mention of my sweet Dallas or anything that could remind me of him. I am struggling daily just to wake up, paint on a happy face, move on with life, and be the mom that Tanner needs. Being consumed with losing Dallas has changed me, and definitely not for the better. Carrying him changed me for the better, losing him has broken my heart.