A baby story floods my tele

I have spent the entire morning watching a Baby Story and all of the other new baby shows on TLC.  I dont know why I do this to myself.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  It's almost like I live vicariously through these TV shows.  I love watching new babies come into the world and see the families all filled with so much joy.  Its a joy that I felt almost fourteen years ago when I delivered my one and only surviving child.  I wish I would have known then what I know now.  I would have soaked in every single experience.  I foolishly thought that I would go on to have many more children.  I was presumptuous just like every other woman.  I feel like I have breezed through my son's life.  I soaked in a lot, but not enough.  I feel like I missed out on so much.  I was young, and stupid. 

I love my son.  More than anything in this entire world.

On a side note,
My throat has been feeling scratchy on the right side all morning.  I cant wait for my 4 o'clock appointment .

I might need to FIGHT and I am terrified

It's funny, more ironic than funny really, how now that I am no longer smoking cigarettes I am terrified of developing cancer.  I was always a little worried when I smoked, but the thought never concerned me "enough."  When I got pregnant with my little Dallas I was already on the path of trying to quit so when my body started rejecting cigarettes (the smell and taste) I welcomed it with open arms as an opportunity to kick the habit for good.

I have been smoke free for over a year and it feels amazing.

However, over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing things in my throat that one can only explain as a possibly scare for throat cancer.  I have mentioned it out loud numerous times to friends and family and now I have finally taken the steps to determine what, if anything, is causing the abnormalities that I am experiencing.  I went to the Dr. today and I go to the ENT (ear nose and throat dr) tomorrow.  Hopefully I am able to rule out the potential risk of cancer.

I have a great uncle (not in my biological blood line) that died from cancer.  He developed the cancer not while he smoked, but after he quit.  This is the biggest reason I have always feared quitting. 

I prayed a lot, even shed a few tears this morning while I was in the Dr's office.  I prayed that God would make whatever it is I am going through NOT be cancer.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that God is not a genie.  He doesn't grant my wishes.  Sometimes He blesses me with things I have been hoping for, but He certainly is not here to grant me my desires and dreams...all of the time.  As hard as that is to swallow, the mere thought of developing cancer is far more frightening.  I know whatever the outcome is, that God will use me somehow to bring the greater good.  I also know that God will be with me in the hard times so I will be okay.  That should make it easier to deal with.  But honestly I struggle.  I have a 13 year old who I want so badly to live for.  I have nieces and nephews who all need me.  I don't want my mom to have to bury a child.  I want to marry and live to be old with Tyler.  I know that me and God were not seeing eye to eye on Dallas' outcome but I really hope he is on my brain wave with this one. 

IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it is curable.
If I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that it has not and will not spread.
IF I do in fact have any type of cancer, I pray that He allows me to be cured.
If I do not have any cancer, I pray that He helps me find a doctor that can help me feel better.

Good morning Monday.

Our family completed alpha yesterday. I see many changes in Tyler especially. I am breathing a sigh of relief because our life is continually changing in a positive direction. God is pulling our hearts in His direction. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Tyler and Tanner serving God. I love my family so much!! Tyler shaved his face yesterday...lol...he looks like a little kid. First time I have seen him without facial hair!!

God's will for me is....still unknown

I think a lot about "where I was in life-this time last year"---especially lately. I think it is partially due to the fact that right around now I was newly expecting my bundle of joy. Fearfully walking into a pregnancy but confidently handing the results over to God. I put all of my trust into Him and believed He would bring my baby into my arms safely. What I realize now, that I didn't then...is that rather than following Gods will for me, I was asking Him to come to me and bless what I wanted for me. That is a hard pill to swallow. I want more than anything to have more children. I want to feel normal. I do not like feeling like a failure as a woman. I think the lesson here is that even though I am not perfect God loves me anyway. Not only does he love me, He has big plans for me. I can't wait. It brings me to tears to try and imagine what He is cooking up for my life. It must be incredible because all of the conditioning I have been experiencing is enough to create a champion :) So, with all of this being said...it is time to put one foot in front of the other and start marching to the beat of God's drum. Now, if only I knew what direction the noise was coming from....

It's raining outside so no one can see me cry

I woke up today feeling sad. I didn't shower (don't worry I don't smell.) I literally rolled out of bed, stumbled to the closet, grabbed the closest shirt- put it on and walked out the door. The shirt I chose was my "walk" shirt.

I prayed on the way to work for Tanner and his grades. I prayed that God would open my eyes and heart for what I need to see. And I thanked God for Dallas short but crucial existence.

A year ago, Tyler was still drinking heavy. I was miserable but I loved him so I tougher it out. I hated HATED hated Fridays.

Ever since we lost Dallas, Tyler has grown closer to God. His drinking has slowed WAY down (rarely ever gets drunk at all anymore in comparison to all week or weekend.)

It makes me wonder if Dallas was given to us, to change us...and bring us closer to God.
Only God knows...

Me and Tyler will soon be celebrating four years together. It's so hard to believe. He has made tremendous changes. I am so proud of him and all of his hard work.

I should also mention, that as I was stumbling around feeling sorry for myself, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on. Definitely put me in the mood for some tears! Cried my whole way to work...now it's make up time :)