And the world continues on...without him

One of the girls that I was pregnant with is close with my brother. Since her baby's father isn't going to be around, my brother will me taking responsibility of her son. Here is the kicker, we were due within days of each other. I have always known that seeing her son was going to be hard, but now he is going to be my nephew. It's official. I struggle with this big time. I can not open my heart yet. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. My mom said to me tonight that I am going to need to... Yes, on one hand she is right. On the other hand, she has never felt the emptiness and complete darkness that consumes you after your dreams of having a baby are crushed. She had four perfectly healthy and normal babies. I had one, and NINE unhealthy pregnancies. I got to feel Dallas kick which was amazing in itself. He was strong and he held on as long as he could, but it wasn't long enough. Now I am left here to grieve and my life must go on without him. My friends are getting ready to be welcoming their bundles into this world as I am reminded of what I will not be getting. I really need to stop focusing on what I don't get and start focusing on some of the positives I have. For instance, although I have a gaping hole in my heart, I have Abrielle to fill it. It is unfair to my niece to "use" her as a bandaid but for me, that is what she is. My bandaid. I love her so much. :)

Answers please...

I am trying my best to contain my anger in check right now. Tonight I went to a class at the church. When I got home Tyler was slobbering drunk, on a Sunday night mind you!!! I ignored him, got him to go to bed... Then he wakes up stumbles to the bathroom, or so I thought. A few seconds later I hear my sob yelling. I get up to see what's going on to find drunken stupid Tyler peeing on my sons bedroom door. Hey dumbass! Does that look like a toilet to you? I have enough going on. I don't need his "extra" alcohol days bogging me down too. My dad says I should just pray about it. He is probably right. Heavenly Father you are awesome. You are mighty. You are God. I am a sinner who gets angry and yells at a sick man on a weekly basis. Thank you for blessing me with many good days with this man. Lord please lead him to You and show him Your glory. Let him see You and everything you have done to and for him so that he can change his ways and live a healthier, more productive lifestyle. Lord, he really is a good man with a bad problem. He just needs someone to help him, and after four years...I am beginning to think it's not me. Lord please direct me in the path you want me to follow. If a life with him is what you will, then please help heal his heart so that I can begin to feel the joy again.

The walk and thoughts of adoption...

Well we did the walk on Sunday. It was awesome how many people came out to honor our boys! A true blessing to have those people in our lives. They played the song "precious child" at the service. I played that song at dallas' service so it was somewhat bittersweet to hear it in that setting. I am including the best pictures taken during the walk.
Separate from the walk, I have also had international adoption brought into the light for me lately too. I have thought about it in the past but dismissed it shortly after. Today I feel like God was screaming at me that it is what he wants me to do. Scary! But if I am to trust that He really does know what He is doing, I have to follow his callings. Period. My intention is to go to an informational meeting on Saturday. Hopefully I get some good information :)
I told my mom about my possible venture and she somewhat discouraged me to pursue it. It shocked me that she would discourage it because a. She was adopted b. She knows how badly I have wanted a baby and c. She has a newfound Christianity and doing good for the sake of others is something that we as Christians should encourage. After she slightly gave me her negative outlook she apologized. And continued to do so throughout the night. I love my mom so much. Her intentions were good I am sure, she just struggles with the right things to say sometimes, but who doesn't ;)
As far as the adoption process goes, I am only in the very beginning stages of mulling it over. If it's meant to be, God will open doors for me and lead me in that direction. Only time will tell...

I remember you today Dallas...

Today we walk...

3 months:not a day goes by...

Three months have come, and gone. I have been hit with the harsh reality that any day, my fellow preggers friends are going to be not only having their baby showers but also delivering their babies. My arms will remain empty. My heart will remain wounded. And my soul feeling like it has a gaping hole. Losing my little boy has truly molded me into the short tempered and impatient neurotic lunatic that I am today. I cried every day this week for him. Perhaps because the walk is in two days? Admitting that I am walking for my son is basically admitting and accepting that he is GONE. I haven't completely accepted it. Little by little I grasp it a little more. I'm so tired. Btw the one liner in the title "not a day goes bye" it's awesome?! Definitely going to be the basis of my next tattoo :). It will be beautiful

Sun shining bright on me today

Got the shirts back for the walk, they look great. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I want to walk for my sweet little one, but I also am just starting to move forward with things. The daily crying has let up a bit. I am starting to cry less and less. Rather than becoming consumed with my emotions now, I am just getting choked up and fighting back tears...some say it's covering up my pain...I say it is progress. My dark and gloomy cloud, little by little is beginning to fade. A glimmer of sunshine is gleaming through. All because of God. Call me crazy, say what you will, but I am grateful for ALL that He has done for me. Even my trials. He is shaping me into who He made me to be. Someday all of this will make sense, but until then I remain strong in my belief that He has a plan for me. Here is the final version of the shirts