A Matter of My Concern

I find myself scared. Scared to death. I have only had my father in my life for a couple of years now. In all actuality he has been in my life since birth, however, he has struggled with addictions that were far greater than the love for his family...so he has not been present in my life. He missed so much for so many years, and so did we. Recently, I have started to have a little bit of concern about my dad suffering another relapse. He has done this before...the whole "stay sober for a while thing" but has never made it THIS long. And I am trying my best NOT to blame my mother. They were trying to (for lack of a better term) get back "together" and a few weeks ago...her ex boyfriend...just popped back up in the picture. So she blew my dad off. I understand with everything that they have been through why she would be hesitant on letting him back in...but GOD please do not let this be true. I have wanted a daddy for my entire life, and for a short period of time I was given one. I am sad. I am very sad. I do not want this to end. Please do not let my suspicions be correct. God please give me the strength and the courage to say something. I need to get him help now. Before it escalates. I am so scared to lose what I have wanted my entire life. Please Please Please DO NOT LET THIS BE TRUE.

I just wanna be okay

I keep thinking back to my happier days...you know...back when I was single. I have really been struggling with the whole idea of spending the rest of my life unhappy. I have given two years to one man who is not right for me. Immediately before that, another two years to a man who was terrible for me but fun to be with, and shortly before than three years to a man that was my best friend, but not right for me either, and before that...many many years back and forth with another man who was terribly mean to me. When am I going to take time for me? I have wasted fourteen years of my life OVER HALF OF MY LIFE...on men that were not worth my time. Men that did not deserve me. I am a great person, loving, honest, faithful, humorous, trusting, the list goes on really. And yet, I always land myself in relationships that only make my heart hurt more. I gave myself a deadline...to end the relationship I am currently in...of August. I need to get out of this lifestyle. Its only a matter of time...soon enough I will have my freedom and find my peace. There is light on the horizon and I am darn near running towards it.

I am exhausted. Incredibly exhausted. Had a really great weekend with the entire family camping out at Ledges state park and I have not been able to get completely caught up on my missed sleep as of yet. Here is a picture of MOST of our camping party


I found out last night that my ex fiance is expecting another baby soon. I am happy for him...well more so for his girlfriend than for him...he is a terrible father. I am sure she will make a great mother though. Makes me a little sad though. When will it be my turn? I think I am okay with giving up on the hopes of having more children. After all, I do have my niece and nephews to pacify that yearning a little bit. On a better note, Baby Nathan's headstone was finally laid last week. Just in time for Memorial Day :-)


My little boy graduates from fifth grade next week. Here in a little bit I am going to take a trip up to his school to give him my digital camera so that he can take pictures of his field trip...maybe I will just hang on to my camera and go with him? Not sure yet. It is both exciting and saddening that he is growing up so fast. I am happy for him. Sad for me haha.