Challenges that are facing me, I will not fold.

I have spent my entire afternoon, evening, and night on the computer. I have searched endlessly for support groups to get into, and I may have found one. Not going to lie. I am scared. To take the initial step into a support group, you must first fully admit that there is a problem. I have to admit that things in my life are not going according to the way God has intended for me. I have to admit that I am lost. That I need help.

The fact of the matter is, I am lost. I do need help. A lot of it.

I have made it through the majority of today without breaking down and sobbing hysterically. Yesterday that was so not the case.

At 10am yesterday, exactly one hour after I had began my work day, I got a text message from Towera. Normally I enjoyed the text messages that she and I would pass back and forth. She was due five days after me. Our babies would have been growing up together.
She advises me that she is having a boy. Great! Are you kidding me? So not only do I get to watch your belly grow at the pace mine should have, but now I also get to watch her son grow at the same pace as my son would have. Seems like a cruel joke to me. I know on the same token that God is also mourning with me. He is not in heaven laughing hysterically at my grief. I have had my fair share.

I tried to talk to Kaylyn about it, but she took everything I said personal. She is also pregnant, but was two months behind me. Not quite as hard for me to deal with as Towera's is. Call me crazy but it is how it is. Well, after Kaylyn chose to take the hurtful path, I called Amie. I knew that I would be able to lean on her. She is so faithful and true to the Lord and I knew that she would give me the words that I needed to hear the most. Of course she did. She keeps reminding me that God has big plans for me. He is trying to prepare me for those plans and that I just need to trust in Him.

I try. It is hard sometimes. Especially on days like yesterday where everyone around me makes me feel like I am crazy for continuing to grieve.

Dallas was my son. Not only was he my son, but he gave me hope. I truly believed that everything was going to work out to MY plan. I have wanted to have another baby for so long. I am an incredible mommy, and I know that if Dallas would have been born on time, he would have been showered with love and affection for all of his days. That was not the case though, so it is time that I start accepting that he and I will never meet in this lifetime. I know that whenever I do go to heaven, he will be there...waiting to meet his mommy. Until then, I am going to work on my faith. I want to get closer to God. I have to.

My Dear Dallas, I loved you so much. I hope you know that.
I am going to post a picture that I love of Dallas.

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:7