Praying for his safety

It's funny to me. When my brother had his freedom I was able to not dwell on the situation he has put himself in. Now that he is incarcerated I can't help but worry constantly. I love my brother and I am sad that he is locked in a cage like a bad dog. He has a drinking problem that he is trying to conquer he is not a bad person. In fact, he is awesome. Very loving, caring, and fun. I pray that God comforts him and keeps him safe while he is there....

A trying time in the month of February....

The last couple of days have definitely served as a trial on my patience. I am trying to remain strong in my faith, although I have not been reading my new bible as planned. I will. Maybe tonight.

Friday, my entire family gathered to play guesstures on my brother's last Friday of freedom for a month. We were all having a really great time. I know that it is hard to deal with Tyler and his drinking, but we all are usually able to manage relatively well. For the sake of harmony, it is easier to just pretend his annoying behaviors are not getting to you rather than to respond to them in a negative manner. That only escalates the issue at hand. After many inappropriate gestures made by Tyler during the game, my dad flipped out. He got in Tyler's face and told him how irritated he was, told him he couldn't stand him, and was going to knock the $hit out of him.
That put me in a terrible predicament. I then had to choose to defend the person who I am with or to stand behind my dad...obviously...i defended Tyler. He was not in the wrong, in this instance. We left....and the rest of the night Tyler was in one of his drunken panics full of psychotic laughter and talking about fighting...GREAT way to end my friday.

Saturday morning around two Tyler got up out of bed I seen him go into the bathroom, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up again around 6am to a very loud noise coming from the bathroom. I can not explain what the noise was, but it freaked me out. The shower was on. I stepped out of bed to go to the bathroom and check on Tyler. When my foot hit the floor it was submerged in wetness. Still foggy from sleep, I thought he spilled a beer and irritatedly continued my venture towards the bathroom. Another soaked foot, then another, and another. I flipped on the light because by now it registered that it wasnt beer on the floor. I noticed about 4-5 inches of water covering my bedroom floor, the hallway, and part of the living room...and it was leaking from the bathroom. Now I went in to panic. I was beginning to fear that Tyler had drowned in the tub, hence the overflowed water. As I cautiously pulled back the shower curtain, I was for certain I would find him dead. Thankfully, all I found was an overfilled tub. I looked on the couch in the neighboring living room, and found Tyler safely sleeping. I turned off the water, and stumbled back to bed determined to deal with this in the morning. Shortly later, Tyler woke up again and began cleaning the water up. He assumed that I had done one of my sleep walking episodes. I assumed he turned the shower on drunk. No one knows who flooded the house, all we know is that many things were destroyed, including the table I cherish more than any other piece of my property.
Sunday was really decent. We spent the day relaxing with family.














Monday, was Nathan's first birthday. I was in a panic because I wanted to set the balloons off during the daylight, but for some reason we just can not seem to get things planned right no matter how hard I try. We let the balloons go, in the dark. Did not get to see them float to heaven how I intended, but at least they are on their way.














Tuesday, Today, my brother got sentenced for his DUI and Eluding charge. He is now in jail for the next 30 days and will have two years of probation for each charge. He is now marred with a felony as well. I am sad for him. Glad he is not going to prison, but sad he has to go through this at all.













I pray that he is able to remain sober. He needs it. I love him. Very Much.

I wish I didnt, but I did....

I feel so terrible right now. My brother is one of the most important people in the world to me. He wants so badly to have a beautiful, christian, good spirited woman. I really and truly thought that I had found someone perfect for him. It seemed like it was a great match. Apparently, I was wrong, and now my brother is hurting. I let this into his life and I feel terrible for it. How could my friend just dismiss such a wonderful man like that? Yes, he has his flaws, but they are minimal. He is a phenomenal person and ANY woman would be lucky to have such a wonderful person. I am sad. I wish things would have worked out, but as it seems, she is just dismissing him like he was not important to her at all. It hurts my feelings to see him hurting so much. He thinks I set him up with her just to chase away his ex. Entirely not true. I genuinely thought that she would be good for him. And good to him. I was wrong. I wont ever try to hook my brother up with someone again because I do not want to be responsible for his hurt. It makes me mad that she would do this to him, yet she is my friend. :-(
Where do I go from here?

Pleading for Grace

It's Monday. No one likes Monday. Except for me. Monday symbolizes so much more than the start of the work week to me. For me it is the first day of a four day stretch of sobriety for Tyler. Which essentially means I will have four days without being yelled at and will not get verbally assaulted for a while. I can breath now and momentarily let my guard down. This is no way to live. I need God's grace more than ever. I am searching in places I know better than to go, looking for positive attention. I know I will not find love in those arms, yet I continually pursue. Lord please please please give me the strength to follow my heart only. I am yours Lord. Use me for your will. I follow you. Lord please speak to my heart and guide me where you want me to go.

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The month of doom is fast approaching

Sitting in my car on the way to work I get plenty of time for reflections. My path regularly passes the cemetery that Grandpa and Nathan were laid to rest. It breaks my heart that I drive past them everyday and have not had time to visit them since last memorial day. In all fairness there was construction last summer and I do work a busy schedule. It is nearing the one year anniversary that Nathan was born and met Jesus as well as the eleventh anniversary that Grandpa passed. The month of February is fast becoming a month that our family would like removed from the calendar. My aunt and uncle were also killed in a fire on the 21st 30years ago. Tyler dad died on the14th and his step dad on the 17th. I can guarantee yet again I will be pushed aside on Valentines day. At least I don't really have to get excited for anything....

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Trying to find a way...

It is so strange that two days have passed since I found my dad gallevanting with another woman and the more I think about it....the more my stomach turns. I am handing this trouble to God and praying that He does what is best for my family. My family has been in shambles for a couple of years and with the reunity of my parents I had some hope that our family was going to make a turn for the best. Now I have no clue. I love my dad so much and I hurt to see what he single handedly has done....again. I know God will take care of my family. I just need to have strength in the Lord and solidify my strength in my faith. God blesses us and so often we look over it...not anymore. I am going to work very hard to completely eliminate the things in my life that takes me away from my faith and my family. First to go...the casino. God has blessed me with a job and instead of saving money to provide my son a home he can call his own...I have gambled. No more. My son will have a home. Very soon. I am also no longer going to utilize the computer unless my son is in bed for the night. It's time. If I start to handle my life differently hopefully my family will also start to emulate me...and they too will be blessed. Thank you Lord for all of your Grace.

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Well thanks but no thanks...

Midnight, two hours ago, my family broke up for the second time...well not officially, but it will happen.
Shane, Mindy, and I all took a sibling trip down to the casino. We were destined to be there...obviously if one is destined to be somewhere the casino would be one great place for it to be! You would think with that statement that one of us hit the jackpot or that we at least won an incredible amount of money. That just isn't the case.
In fact, Mindy was devastatingly broke, Shane was down twenty, and I had pumped in yet another HUNDRED to no avail. I wanted to take more money out, but Mindy was ready to go. It was time.
As we exited the casino, we seen a truck pull into the same spot my dad always parks in. It was far away, so we couldn't really be sure that it was him. Shane was certain. We walked towards his truck so we could say hi when a female got out of the truck and headed towards the casino...and it was NOT my mother. Naturally, I couldn't resist the temptation to yell...
Needless to say, my dad and I exchanged some words and we all stormed off to my car while he headed in to the casino.
Shane and Mindy sat in the car telling me how it was none of my business and how we should just leave because Dad already knows that he was busted, but it just is not in my nature to just sit back and watch people around me intentionally hurt other people. I mean, at SOME MOMENT it HAD to cross his mind that what he was doing was wrong?! Yet he kept right on walking, no turning back.
I couldn't just sit back and keep my mouth shut so I walked in to the casino, and gave him a second dose of my opinion. This time I told him I didn't appreciate how he was doing my mom dirty like that, how he had no business running around with a tweeker and how I expected him to tell my mom what he was doing. He told me that he would tell her himself and that he wanted me to leave him alone so that he could enjoy what few moments he had left at the casino....
To rub salt into my wound, on the way home I recalled just a week prior when he spoke of how taking a woman to the casino was bad luck....when referring to Mindy and me. Well apparently Karma, if there is such a thing, just came up and bit him in the ass.
I know right now I need to lean on God, and this is one of those situations where the serenity prayer really needs to be replayed over and over and over again in my heart.
GOD
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
To courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.