My Gratitude to God

2010 has certainly served as a year of devastation and loss for many people that I know. How is it possible to go your entire life without ever seeing a baby casket, to instantly seeing one, and knowing about two more? It just does not seem right to me. Why should any mother ever have to suffer the pain of losing her baby? Let alone, why would God allow that to happen? I saw an inspirational video today about a man who has no limbs. Even with all of the obstacles he has in life, he is happy. The beginning of the video has a statement," We are put in situations to build character, not to destroy us." Reading this statement it definitely brings a whole new way of thinking to light.
My sister buried her son in February. As sad as that was for all of us to endure, I do believe that God was trying to teach us something. But what? Was he trying to humble us, bring us closer to him, challenge our faith, WHAT? It is so hard to understand because we only see such a small picture of what God has intended. We can see the here & now, we can see our past, but we can not see our future. Whilst God can. Am I happy that my nephew is gone? NO. I wish more than anything that he could be here with us, romping around with his cousins and causing ruckus just like the rest of them. Here is where my gratitude comes in. Be patient while I build up to it.
A few months past after that passing of my nephew, I was browsing around on Craigslist. I woman was asking for clothes for her baby because he was going to be born premature and at that point they had nothing to put him in. She was 18 weeks pregnant. Knowing that my sister lost her son at 21 weeks gestation, I knew the odds for this woman's baby, were not good. I reached out to her. I started conversing with her on face book and kept a close tab on what was happening in her life as far as the baby was concerned. After bed rest and ten weeks passed, she delivered her son. Everything was seemingly going great. Her son was doing well, although premature, his future was looking promising. I could not have been any happier. I prayed diligently for this baby. I wanted more than anything for him to survive. Sadly, the baby developed an infection. He had to undergo a couple of surgeries, had several feet of his small and large intestine removed, and later was declared brain dead. Instantly I was reminded of the pain and sorrow our family had endured just a few short months past. I was heartbroken for this young mother who for months stayed so optimistic and remained hopeful that her son would live a long and happy life. I also began to think about my sister and my nephew. I was never aware of the risks that there are to premature babies. I knew they were more susceptible to infection, but had no idea how severe. This young mother's entire experience was very eye opening for me. Thank God that my nephew only lived for half an hour. Thank God he did not have to suffer. Thank God that the only emotion he felt for his entire existence here on earth was love. My nephew felt no pain. He went to God very quickly. As sad as it makes me to think about him not being here with us, I am comforted knowing he is with God.
A few weeks passed and another friend of mine was expecting her son to be born. They will lay him in the ground tomorrow. Her pregnancy had complications the entire time. She knew that when he was born they were going to have to do open heart surgery, but the doctors had given her hope. It was certain that this little baby was going to live. This little guy only lived for 11hours, but in that time showed his family more love and compassion than I am sure they were expecting.
It makes me so sad to think about my friends and family who have had to bury their sons this year. It breaks my heart. While I have 8 angels watching over mommy, I never had to bury any of them. They were all sent back to God before I got to feel them kick. I am thankful that God did not make me personally feel the pain that these other mother's are feeling. Do I wish I had at least one of my angel's here with me? Of course! Do I wish that I could have held them and told them I love them? Of course! Do I think that they are in Heaven and already know that I love them? Absolutely! I kinda feel like God gave me all of my angels so that I could be strong for others. It is a very weird way to look at things, I know, but it is true. Had I not lost all of those sweet angels, I likely would not be as compassionate and caring towards my friends and family that have lost their babies.

May all of these angels be remembered forever!
My angels:
Haileigh
Camryn(+2 set of triplets not all were named)
Kaydence
Jayden
Lillie
CJ

My sisters angel
Nathan Kenneth Butts IV













Young mother's angel
Conner Post














My friends angel
Baby Bodey













AN ANGEL IN THE BOOK OF LIFE WROTE DOWN MY BABIES BIRTH, GENTLY WHISPERED AS SHE CLOSED THE BOOK, "TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH"

Update to my earlier post

I am so so so thankful to learn that my dad did NOT relapse. He had to take a drug test because of the collision. That is the good news. And as for the bad news...I wont go on and on about what is on my mind because it is more than obvious that I have not been able to think of much of anything other than the death that my dad witnessed. He is really upset about it, and tonight I saw him cry about it. It breaks my heart to see him so upset. I can only imagine the horror that he witnessed and the pain that he feels in his heart. I pray that God helps his heart heal, I pray that God helps her family cope with her loss, and I hope that the person that caused the entire accident to occur is held accountable for at least driving recklessly.

The death of a motorcyclist

I was given the news yesterday that my dad was involved in a serious accident resulting in the death of a motorcyclist. I have recently expressed my concerns that he may have relapsed, so this only heightens my concerns. Apparently he was driving home from a storm job in MN when a woman driving in front of him was forced off the road by a semi. She tried to avoid the semi, lost control of her bike, and she along with the bike slid across the road hitting a boom truck-ricocheting off of it and then taking the another blow to the back of my dads boom truck. He said that he saw her "explode" on the back of his truck. He did everything he could to avoid the collision but there was no stopping Gods plan. I am very saddened by the incident. I feel terrible for Diane MacKenzie who perished in the accident, I think a lot about my dad and about the other people involved as well. He fears that his truck is what killed her, but I tried to ease his mind by reminding him that she was hit by another boom truck first. It could have happened at any moment. It was God's decision when she was taken and regardless of how it happened, it is how He had planned it. I know that this has been very traumatizing for my dad, and I pray to God that he had not relapsed and it was only my own insecurities causing me to be suspicious for no reason. If he did relapse however, this to me is God's warning to him. God is telling him that He can and He will take everything away. God gives us all warnings when we stray from his path, and hopefully this was an eye opener for all that were involved. I pray for Diane's family. I pray that they find peace knowing that God took her from this earth while she was doing what she loved to do. Riding her bike. I looked into her a bit, did some research...and found that she was involved with a corporation that teaches safe riding as well as fights for motorcyclist rights. She was on her way to a freedom ride when the accident occurred. I am very sorry for everyone's loss. May God be will all that are involved.

A Matter of My Concern

I find myself scared. Scared to death. I have only had my father in my life for a couple of years now. In all actuality he has been in my life since birth, however, he has struggled with addictions that were far greater than the love for his family...so he has not been present in my life. He missed so much for so many years, and so did we. Recently, I have started to have a little bit of concern about my dad suffering another relapse. He has done this before...the whole "stay sober for a while thing" but has never made it THIS long. And I am trying my best NOT to blame my mother. They were trying to (for lack of a better term) get back "together" and a few weeks ago...her ex boyfriend...just popped back up in the picture. So she blew my dad off. I understand with everything that they have been through why she would be hesitant on letting him back in...but GOD please do not let this be true. I have wanted a daddy for my entire life, and for a short period of time I was given one. I am sad. I am very sad. I do not want this to end. Please do not let my suspicions be correct. God please give me the strength and the courage to say something. I need to get him help now. Before it escalates. I am so scared to lose what I have wanted my entire life. Please Please Please DO NOT LET THIS BE TRUE.

I just wanna be okay

I keep thinking back to my happier days...you know...back when I was single. I have really been struggling with the whole idea of spending the rest of my life unhappy. I have given two years to one man who is not right for me. Immediately before that, another two years to a man who was terrible for me but fun to be with, and shortly before than three years to a man that was my best friend, but not right for me either, and before that...many many years back and forth with another man who was terribly mean to me. When am I going to take time for me? I have wasted fourteen years of my life OVER HALF OF MY LIFE...on men that were not worth my time. Men that did not deserve me. I am a great person, loving, honest, faithful, humorous, trusting, the list goes on really. And yet, I always land myself in relationships that only make my heart hurt more. I gave myself a deadline...to end the relationship I am currently in...of August. I need to get out of this lifestyle. Its only a matter of time...soon enough I will have my freedom and find my peace. There is light on the horizon and I am darn near running towards it.

I am exhausted. Incredibly exhausted. Had a really great weekend with the entire family camping out at Ledges state park and I have not been able to get completely caught up on my missed sleep as of yet. Here is a picture of MOST of our camping party


I found out last night that my ex fiance is expecting another baby soon. I am happy for him...well more so for his girlfriend than for him...he is a terrible father. I am sure she will make a great mother though. Makes me a little sad though. When will it be my turn? I think I am okay with giving up on the hopes of having more children. After all, I do have my niece and nephews to pacify that yearning a little bit. On a better note, Baby Nathan's headstone was finally laid last week. Just in time for Memorial Day :-)


My little boy graduates from fifth grade next week. Here in a little bit I am going to take a trip up to his school to give him my digital camera so that he can take pictures of his field trip...maybe I will just hang on to my camera and go with him? Not sure yet. It is both exciting and saddening that he is growing up so fast. I am happy for him. Sad for me haha.

Get out of my ureta already!

Mollie made it home safely a few hours ago, she had to pull over in the middle of the night and take a quick snooze. I am glad she did that. Thank you Lord for guiding her back to Texas safely.

On another note, I spent 6 hours in the emergency room today. Found out that I have a kidney stone that is attempting to expel itself out of my body. It is incredibly excruciating. The pain is on the right side, and to be honest...I thought it was another ectopic (since I am 27days late!!!) However, I have had ten negative pregnancy tests so it is safe to say...that I really am not pregnant. I just have something weird going on with my reproductive system. I will be going to see a doctor about it soon.

Well, that is all I want to write for now...my side hurts too much to continue writing.

Middle of May

I feel very sad. Very empty. My best friend of 16, almost 17 years just left my house and is now in route to someplace in Texas that she now calls home. I have been so lucky. I was able to spend the last several days with her, and now...she is gone. Not for good, I will see her again...but for now I am really depressed about her departure. Have you ever had that friend that always "understands you," that regardless of life's curve balls is always there, that even if you dont talk for years...you know in your heart that they will be your friend always...well for me that is her. Seeing her was not only great and fabulous, but it also reminded me of what we all lost a few months ago. For her, it is her mother. For me, it is my friend. It's so hard to think about anything right now other than the fact that "Aunt Becky" as my son called her, is gone for good. I thank God that He has brought my best friend back to Iowa...if even for a visit. I know how hard this visit was for her. She handled it well. This was the first time I was in her mother's house without her mother being there though. It was exceptionally hard for me. I think I cried a good portion of the weekend...and tonight as well. She left Iowa about twenty minutes ago, and God, PLEASE help guide her back to Texas safely. She is tired. She should have napped. Please give her the strength emotionally and physically to make a safe journey.

I just read a blog, and it moved me

It is crazy how much we all take life for granted. I spent the last hour reading a woman's blog. I do not know this woman, have never met her, have never spoken to her, and until this morning did not even know that she exists. I am a member of many grief support websites. Mostly for my own grief that I have experienced, but also for my sisters who have also lost babies. My and my middle sister have had miscarriages, I have had seven, she has had one. My youngest sister, has had to bury a baby. The pain of losing a child, regardless of age in gestation is real. From the moment we conceive we begin planning, nesting, imagining what life is going to be like with our little bundle of joy, and most of all, we begin loving our child. I find myself lucky that I had so many miscarriages in comparison to having to bury a child. I would rather go through the pain of not being able to hold them rather than getting to hold them, feel them, smell them, and then bury them. I was very moved by the woman's blog that I read. Although the doctors were pressuring her to terminate her pregnancy because her baby had anencephaly (which I had never heard of until today...is a condition that lacks the skull and brain.) She was told that her baby would not survive and they would not do anything to help her daughter. There was no hope for her, but she still had faith in God. She named her daughter Faith Hope, which I thought was absolutely beautiful. Even in a time where her faith in God could have been tested, she still stood firm in her beliefs. Her baby lived for over three months. The doctors said that she had no brain...but the mother posted many many many videos of her miracle angel, and that little girl cooed, she cried, she smiled...how could they say there was no brain? I think doctors really do not understand all that there is to know about the human body. How could they? They did not create it. God is gracious and God is good. God gave that beautiful little girl three months with her loving family. I was just so amazed at how strong the mother was that I had to write about it. It was a beautiful story. I was brought to tears a couple of times when reading the blog, but I could see in so many ways, just how much that baby was loved. Thank you very reading my blog, but mostly, thank you for letting me read yours. I am very moved by your faith in God.

The fast approaching Mother's holiday

It's coming a lot faster than I want it to. Mother's day signifies the anniversary to the one time that the love of my life betrayed my trust and committed the worst crime in the realm of relationships....he was unfaithful. Although it will be two full years...I should be celebrating the fact that the incident is behind us....but I am reminded annually that he did...for that one moment two years ago....he was willing to throw it all away.
Luckily we have worked through it, but to be completely honest, I do not think I will ever be completely over it. It's hard to trust him. Even though I want to, that one incident always lingers in the back of my mind...what if it happens again...

On another note, this will be my baby sister's first mother's day. She should be able to hold her baby and be grateful that she is a mother, but sadly she will be remembering exactly what she lost just two months ago. My mom was going to purchase her a charm or a necklace. I think that will help ease some of her heartache on this dreadful man made holiday.

My son is eleven...and I can almost guarantee that he will probably bring me something cute home from school. What I would really like would be for everyone to get along, everyone to help me with some of the unpacking that we still have left to do, and lastly, everyone to let me sleep in past 8am. Man I would love for the opportunity to sleep in until noon...those were the days!

Hopefully my mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, mother in law, and sister in law all have a fabulous Mother's Day...lets add me in there too...I would like a good one too LOL

Past, Present, and Future

This is the first time that I am sitting down to blog in a very, very, very long time. This particular day brings me great joy as I sit and think about all of the blessings life has to offer.

For starters, I am still enrolled in school, my GPA is 3.72, and the classes just seem to get easier and easier as time goes on. Do not get me wrong, I definitely have my challenges, but, with a little persistence I am pulling it off. I can not wait to have my degree and finally begin to make some decent money for a change.

My son is now eleven. This is a hard age for me to understand. He is directly in between being a little kid in elementary and being an adolescent who has his own opinions and decisions on the way things in his life need to be handled. As a mother, I am both saddened by his growing up, and excited about the new journeys we are both about to embark upon.

For years, I have tried to have another child. I wanted to give my son a sibling to grow up with, but after seven miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy I have finally give up on that dream. I have accepted the fact that he will be my oldest and only. Luckily, my younger siblings are able to give me nieces and nephews so I am able to live vicariously through them.

I will say, I am a little anxious for my cycle to start this month. I am about two weeks late, but I have taken three negative tests...so I know that it is coming....soon I hope. I do not want to endure another loss. I know that the pain is supposed to make me a stronger woman, but how much pain is too much before I break into hysteria?

My baby sister was due to give birth to a healthy baby boy next month, but in February he was born early and grew his angel wings within 29 minutes. Burying him, and watching the grief that has poured over my sister since has given me a sense of gratitude to God for taking my babies as early as he did. I still harbor a lot of pain for each of my children, and now I have another heartache for my nephew. We held him, we kissed him, we loved him, and he still died. I do not think that I would have been as strong as my sister. I know that I would probably have to be in a hospital with a mental breakdown. Regardless of our pain, God still has his arms around us.

I am sure that God has plans for each of us, and sometimes it is hard to not question his reasoning. I remember something we were told right after my nephews passing. We can only see the present so things may not make sense to us. God sees the entire picture. Past, present, and the future. He knows what He is doing and there is a plan in action for each of us. I pray that His plan for me is that I will not have to endure the loss of another child, mine...or not. I pray that my sister will have a healthy and full term pregnancy when she is ready. I pray that my son has a great experience for the last few weeks of elementary and that middle school goes easy for him.